The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?
Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two or three double-spaced pages
Im down to the last week and half. This is my second attempt at the Rice Perspective essay. I think I am on a good track with this one. The first felt to dry and contrived. I would appreciate any comments and feedback. It is only about half-way complete. I still have a lot to talk about!
I knew I had made the right decision, yet I couldn't stop the nervous butterflies that fluttered in my stomach. I nervously tapped the seat next to me, and glanced around the dark bus. Its occupants were a heterogeneous sampling of America, all races were represented from all corners of the country. The majority were kids like me, bright eyed and straight out of High School, but a few older, edging into their late twenties and early thirties. Most of us quietly gazed out the windows as we contemplated the various reasons that had brought us here. Others hid their nervousness by discussing their hometowns. The tension in the bus was palatable, and steadily building as we neared our destination.
We were headed for the U.S. Army's Basic Training Center in Fort Jackson, South Carolina. We had recently enlisted, volunteering a portion of our young lives to the service of our country. In return, we would travel the world and undergo a life changing experience that forever alter our perspective of the world.
After what had seemed an eternity, the bus finally slowed to a halt in balmy South Carolina. We looked out the windows, trying in vain to see in the early morning light. We could just make out the their erect silhouettes of the drill sergeants, they were unmistakable thanks to their famous flat brimmed caps. The stood eerily statuesque as they watched the bus pull in, we could already feel their heavy gaze perceiving our souls. It felt as if the butterflies in my stomach were engaged in a final furious dogfight. I had been looking forward to this moment for nine months, and could hardly believe it was actually here. I wasn't disappointed, the silence destroyed was soon destroyed with the sound of drill sergeants roaring for us to exit the bus. We hurried to comply, scrambling over each other to greet are a new lives.
Our reasons for joining varied; many wanted to serve their country, others were looking for a second chance, and few simply sought adventure. I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. I was far from an exemplary student. I displayed the typical traits of teenage angst; I had an unqualified rebellious nature, and a general disregard for formal education. I was living in the moment with little consideration of the future. My energy was directed at having fun and fitting in. I daydreamed through classes and rarely completed homework. I didn't find school particularly difficult, I simply failed to apply myself. My imprudent attitude resulted in a mediocre GPA with a class ranking near the 50th percentile. A far cry from my performance in middle school, where I had been a honor roll student at the head of my class. Finally, during my senior year of high school I came to my senses; I realized that I had messed up. I was intensely angry at myself for wasting years of my young life. I desperately needed to grow up and escape the indolent life I had chosen. After much deliberation, and to the great surprise of my friends and family I decided to enlist in the Army. The Army offered me a second chance and the promise of maturity and discipline, traits I severely lacked. While my performance in high school still disappoints me, I am grateful that it prompted me to enlist in the military. A choice that would turn out to be one of the wisest decisions of my life.
Initially, I was tempted to follow the testosterone filled temptations of my youth and enlist as an infantryman. It would have been an exciting life, yet I resisted. I chose to enlist as an intelligence analyst, a job that closely matched my strengths and interests. Even though I hid from it in high school, I am a nerd at heart. I enjoy solving technical problems, and I am an avid; essential traits of an intelligence analyst. My choice of profession suited me perfectly and I excelled at it. Some of my professional duties included; writing and briefing intelligence reports, maintaining large databases of information, and managing intelligence collection assets. I was at home with the technical nature of the job, and enjoyed the variety of problems that I was required to solve. I developed numerous skills that currently assist me academically, and professionally. I enjoyed my job, and I was tempted to pursue a career in intelligence, yet I wanted to go back to school and correct the deficiencies of my high school education.
The Army was true to the word I traveled the world. I was given the chance to live in Germany and sample European culture. An eye opening experience that significantly shaped my worldview. I was amazed at how different cultures lived, and I learned a new respect for the many conveniences we Americans hold so dear.
The nearly five years I spent in the Army are easily the most formative of my life. The most critical of those years were 2006 and 2008, when I was deployed to Iraq. Since I was an intelligence analyst I spent the majority of my deployments in the relative safety of buildings, and away from enemy fire. However being an intelligence analyst in a combat zone, is an incredibly stressful endeavor. The infantrymen on the streets relied upon me to produce timely and accurate information to help keep them out of harms way. If I made mistakes or overlooked something lives could be lost. This was incredibly sobering, and motivated me to devote myself entirely to my job. Military training prepares you to do your job under duress, yet it does not prepare you for the harsh reality of war. War is an ugly thing where one can bare witness to the dark side of humanity and the fragility of life, it completely changed my perspective on life. While I don't agree with many of the political ramifications that brought us to Iraq my devotion was to my fellow soldiers. I am proud of the job I did, and I live everyday to the fullest in honor of the soldiers that didn't come back.
I enlisted in the Army as a lackadaisical teenager, and I emerged a disciplined and motivated young man. The teenage angst of my high school years was dissolved through rigorous military training and exposure to combat. I was honorably discharged in June 2009, eager to restart my education Immediately enrolled in college classes at Lone Star College. Thus, far I have greatly enjoyed school, and I have excelled with a 4.0 GPA. I am overjoyed that I have been given a second chance at school, and look forward to the years of education ahead of me.
If given the opportunity to study at Rice...(Its a just a stem, Ill write a conclusion shortly)
What is this "perspective" essay supposed to include? Maybe they are looking for a formless blog like this one, but if they are looking for something focused on answering a particular question I think this might not work. I am so confused about the directions you go with it. And it ends so abruptly...
What is the main idea of this? That is the real question. You can have a main idea for each paragraph, and the main idea of the first paragraph should be the main idea for the essay. I know that reduces writing to something robotic, and maybe this "perspective" is supposed to be more poetic, but... in either case, you need to sharpen your thesis.
Let the first and last sentence of each paragraph express the important points that you want the reader to remember.
Think of a central message that you want the reader to remember -- a central impression that you want to make.
I see what you mean about this being infused with inspiration, rather than contrived, but now you can go back and sharpen up the main idea. This is a cool story, but it is just a story. I want to know the main idea you have in telling this story. Tell me the moral of the story at the end of the first paragraph, if possible. Or, tell the moral of the story in the attention grabbing, first sentence of the essay.
Most importantly, add one sentence to the very end of the essay to reinforce the moral of the story... instead of ending abruptly.
:-)
The majority were --- can't say "majority were"
The majority consisted of kids like me, bright-eyed and straight out of high school , but a few were older, edging into their late twenties and early thirties.
This part below has a verb tense problem:
I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. I had been far from ...---- because you have to keep the tenses consistent.
But I think you should get rid of all this:
I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. I was far from an exemplary student.... --- especially that part about "failed to apply myself." It's not a good excuse, and not impressive in any way. It's an overused cliche.
I had decided to enlist nine months earlier during my senior year of high school. My imprudent attitude resulted in a mediocre GPA with a class ranking near the 50th percentile -- a far cry from my performance in middle school, where I had been a honor roll student at the head of my class.---- I needed to use a dash to put the incomplete sentence together as part of the previous sentence.
Cut out as many unnecessary and self-criticizing sentences as you can. Make room to write more about how you see yourself interacting with people on campus and in classes... the contribution you will make.
:-)
