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"Something not relevant from academic record" - Adelphi Essay


crossxhearts 4 / 10  
Feb 23, 2010   #1
Hello, this is my Adelphi admissions essay. Their essay limit is 500 words so if anyone can help me revise it and break it down, it'll mean the world to me.

Thanks!

Growing up, having the highest grades in classes, exams, being the

best in everything I did, was all I cared about. I was raised by Asian parents who had high

expectations and standards for me, the usual stereotype for Asians, "being the best in

everything", most importantly, our grades. Every low grade was frowned upon and having the

a high grade was rewarded with a treat. As I grew up, I have found something

that I've valued more than my grades and the rewards I've gotten on occasion:

the gift of singing and writing lyrics. Music is a whole lot different than from

achieving the high standards set for me in school; it's something I feel great

about, expressing feelings and letting go of everything, being free from your

world.

Both of my parents were raised in China during a time when high school

was hard to be admitted to, hence college. They were so affected, they wanted

me to have the good education they've never had. During middle school, I've

felt so stressed because everything seemed difficult and I was depressed from

all the hate against me. I was always isolated from my classmates during class,

mostly spending my time writing my own lyrics to appease myself and to try

to keep myself busy, rather than being lonely. Because I've never believed in

resolving problems by physical fights, I let all the stress, all the pain, and all

the hate out in a more expressive manner. By the end of middle school,

I have written over fifth lyrics, some which took took days, or even months.

Almost three years ago, in my freshman year, I was given the guitar class in

my school schedule. I never though I would be able to pick up a musical

instrument and play but I fell in love the moment I pulled that E string that

echoed sweetly in my ear. Rather than playing what I was instructed, I always hid

in the back, finding tabs for my favorite songs from Michelle Branch and Green

Day, learning to play them. I felt like I was in a whole new world when I started

to make songs with my lyrics.

Having guitar class was an adventure for me but I was given two more

tickets to even better adventures. As sophomore year was moving along, I

was selected for strings class, and one I was really excited about - choir, where I

was first soprano. Strings class blew my mind immediately. It was consisted of

violas, cellos, violins. I've completely adapted a love for my viola immediately

and I've fell in love with singing. Most importantly, I've discovered my singing

voice a talent I've never been more positive about. Since I've joined choir and

strings class, I've never missed out on being on performing in a single school

concert. In fact, last June, the strings orchestra won the silver medal during

the NYU music festival, which has been the highlight of my year. Winning an

award for something that we put our sweat and tears through, is appreciated,

especially for such an important event.

I cannot even begin to say how much playing the viola has changed my life,

most importantly, music itself. I've gotten more mature, more outspoken and

more confident about most of my actions. Sometimes, I think it's all because

of the straight posture-position I've had such a hard time going through. Many

think that music is all about the melody, but it's something more than that; rather

than letting your anger out on someone, you can let it all out on your

singing tone and in your own words in lyrical method. It took me a whole while to

learn that a fight is never the answer. Besides, what can one gain from such

violence? At times, I wish I could've recorded those songs I've made up and

would've probably had them sent to record labels by now, but I'm glad

I haven't. I've realized that aside from my personal interests, I would do anything

that would make my parents happy and myself the most happiest: keeping a

stable life and going to college to pursue the career I value the most.

Having a passion for music and writing lyrics may not be relevant in my

academic record, but all my achievements, all that I've been through, has broke

the musical record in my life.
jen50192 4 / 37  
Feb 24, 2010   #2
You introduced the viola rather quickly when you were just talking about the guitar and then you go on about how much you love swimming. I like the details in your essay but I suggest you focus on one thing. By doing that, you show that you are passionate rather than just jumping from instrument to instrument.

Good luck! :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 25, 2010   #3
Jen did a great job with cleaning up the errors, and I'd like to work with that intro paragraph:

When I was growing up, having the highest grades in classes, exams, and being the

best in everything I did, was all I cared about. (simplify for power)

use a dash:
I was raised by Asian parents who had high expectations and standards for me -- the usual stereotype for Asians, "being the best in everything", most importantly, our grades. Every low grade was frowned upon and having a high grade was rewarded with a treat. This sentence is weak and boring.

As I grew up, kill the weak phrases like this one

I have found something that I value more than my grades and the rewards I've gotten on occasion:

the gift of singing and writing lyrics. Music is a whole lot different than from

achieving the high standards set for me in school; it's something I feel great

about, expressing feelings and letting go of everything, being free from your

world.-------- beautifully written! The way you write about music is like music.

:-)
OP crossxhearts 4 / 10  
Feb 25, 2010   #4
Wow, thank you!

You both are amazing!

do you think these sentences work better?:

When I was growing up, having the highest grades was my top priority. I was raised by parents who set high standards

for my education


During middle school, I felt so stressed because everything seemed difficult and I was depressed from

all the hate against me from my most of my classmates who let my self-esteem

down, verbally
.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 26, 2010   #5
The first one looks good!

During middle school, I felt so stressed, because everything seemed difficult and I was depressed from all the hatred directed toward me by most of my classmates who brought my self-esteem down with their words.

:-)

Well, there is no more of that in college! You are as powerful as anyone.
OP crossxhearts 4 / 10  
Feb 27, 2010   #6
Thank you so much! Esp. on the FIT one! :)


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