The prompt for this essay is: There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
Ever since i was very young I had a strong interest in technology, I wanted to know what all could be done with it and how it worked, I also find it fascinating that a computer can be built from things that are found in the ground. I look back as far as I can remember and I think about the technology we had ten years ago, how thick the cellphones were and how my dad had to run a 100 foot phone wire downstairs to the wall to get internet on his creamy white colored desktop computer. I've learned many new things from the information technology lets us access, things that i would have never known about if there was no network connecting the corners of the earth. The amount of that information continues to grow and it will eventually need to be processed and I can't imagine myself not being part of that movement.
when I was about 10 years old I used old parts from the attic and put together my first computer and in that same year I made a hovercraft to compete in the school science fair. Along with my technological achievements I was also running and playing my favorite sport, football. When I was old enough to join my school's track was when i began running more and more, i needed to be the best at it and eventually I became just that. Football on the other hand came more naturally than track because I was put in a starting position right away, and ever since I started playing in middle school I have kept that position, not letting anyone out work or out play me.
The world keeps changing and it can do so faster than ever because of the technology that has been improved over the years. As the technology improves so does the greater good of the world and I couldn't stand on the side and not be part of improving the world, whether it be by designing a computer that will tell you where the nearest restaurant is every time you're hungry or by creating a vehicle to get you there with minimal effort.
For the longest time I've wanted to make something revolutionary or taking a design someone else made and making it more efficient, easier to use and most importantly easier to fix. I believe that things can be made more simply only if someone took the time to put other's needs into perspective and hopefully with the proper tools I'll be able to simplify the lives of millions one day.
Thanks for reading, anything helps and i cant think of a title for this one
Hello. I might be able to give some help on your essay :)
First of all I find that the links between your sentences and the links between points you are making in each paragraphs are weak. That is, I cannot find the focal point of your essay because you seem to be making too many points here and there.
For instance, in the intro, the focal point of your first sentence seems to be that you had interest in technology since young. However, moving on to the second sentence, this point is not developed but rather, you start talking about how technology has evolved. And then the third sentence introduces yet another point that the IT gives people access to another world. Overall, the link between the three sentences are missing. Since the points are not congruent, it's hard to figure out what point you are trying to make. In other words, its difficult to find out what you are trying to tell the readers and what you will be telling the readers in the following paragraphs. Perhaps, you might be able to fix this by narrowing down the all the points and focussing on just one of them. For instance, you have to decide whether you are going to focus on 'your interest in technology', 'how technology has developed' or 'the access to abundant information'.
Another point I want to make (although its quite closely related to my first point) is that you have to make your sentences concise. It's too long and gives the feeling that you squeezed in several points in one sentence. Think about the purpose of writing a sentence (why am i writing this sentence and what i'm trying to say) and focus on that only. Break down the sentences that are too long so that the readers don't get confused. Again, it all goes back to narrowing down the points you have to one main point.
It's quite the same when it comes to the link between paragraphs. Think about the main point you made on the previous paragraph and try to develop it and explain more about it. Don't abruptly change or disconnect the link between paragraphs by telling a story that is incongruent with the point previously made.
Overall, I think with some modifications, your essay could be much better :)
Perhaps, deciding the title of your essay before you start writing could help. The title will remind you of what you intended to write about and keep your essay from straying. I hope this helps!! :)
