Hello!
I am applying to the University of Wisconsin Madison and I was given the prompt "Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you." It is to be 300-500 words. Here is my essay:
Every October, the nation seems to be swept up in a tide of pink merchandise. Ask almost any American and they could tell you that the pink ribbon stands for breast cancer awareness. There is certainly no lack of awareness. From the Race for the Cure to pink yogurt lids, pink is everywhere. However, ask someone what the gold ribbon stands for and chances are they won't know. While there is a childhood cancer awareness month, it seems to go largely unnoticed. Every September I find myself wondering where the gold lids and wristbands are. I find myself wondering where the awareness is. While most everyone knows someone, celebrity or loved one, who has had breast cancer, many cannot name a child who has had cancer. Childhood cancers are the number one disease killer of children - more than asthma, cystic fibrosis, diabetes, and pediatric AIDS combined, yet receive less government funding than any of these conditions. Americans seems so eager to don pink merchandise head to toe, but people with that enthusiasm for childhood cancer are few and far between. Everyone seems to support breast cancer awareness, but only those who have personally been touched by childhood cancer seem to spread awareness. While I haven't personally had a friend or family member diagnosed with cancer as a child, I want to devote my life to curing children with cancer. Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a physician of some sort. The reason I want to be a doctor goes beyond something superficial such as prestige or money. I want to genuinely feel that I have made a difference in someone's life. Making a difference in someone's life goes far beyond just wearing an awareness ribbon or buying yogurt. I want to know that because of me, someone is alive. For some, wearing a pink shirt might be all they need to feel that they have made a difference to a cause, but for me, I need to go far beyond that to truly feel successful. As a nation, we tend to turn an blind eye towards children with cancer, and until that changes I will continue to make sure that they don't go unnoticed.
Any revisions would be very much appreciated!
Thanks,
Emily
However, ask someone what the gold ribbon stands for, and chances are they won't know.
Every September I find myself wondering, where are the gold lids and wristbands? are
I find myself wondering, where is the awareness?is.
While almost everyone knows someone, a celebrity or a loved one, who has had breast cancer, many cannot name a child who has had cancer.
Childhood cancers are the number one disease killer ofcause of children's deaths
As a nation, we tend to turn an blind eye towards children with cancer,
I think that "blind eye" is not quite right here... I know what you mean though...childhood cancer gets somewhat overlooked, or "lost in the shuffle" of the other, more recognized illnesses. Re-word this sentence, if possible. Your essay sounds really good, I think you have done a great job with it. Good luck in school!
Thanks for the input! The reason I put "number one disease killer of children" is because it is not the number one cause of death in children, but rather the number one cause of death from disease. Is there another way I should reword that?
