Here's my essay...is the intro too long? Any edits? I know I repeated a lot of words and the intro paragraph does seem a little dramatic? Please do say if it is overly so.
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Your son has autism." It took me a while to finally register what the doctor said. It was even worse when I saw the expression on my parents' face. Shock. Disbelief. Horror. It was probably the expression that my face held as well. I looked down at my brother who was eleven years my junior. He looked perfectly normal. How could this angelic looking plump-cheeked toddler have something as wrong as autism in him? It didn't make sense. I didn't want it to make sense. I didn't want it to be true. But it was.
Until six years ago, I was a single child in my family. I was also asthmatic. This unfortunately led to many absences to pre-school as I was sick and my parents didn't want my sickness to accumulate into an asthmatic attack. I remember as a little kid, when I was in Japan, I would stand on my home's balcony, and wave to my classmates who were on the school playground right across the street. I would only recognize them by their gestures and perhaps their voices when it reached me but not by their clothes as they were all in uniforms. However, their excited faces and enthusiastic waves made me happy to know that they missed having me in school. But it was not enough. I wanted a sibling that will always be with me. I wanted a playmate that I can see everyday and not only the days when my wheezing is gone. As a little child, I had believed that by saying my mom was pregnant she would, and thus passed out rumors that I was getting a little brother. My parents, out of fear that they would have another child who also has asthma and will get just as sickly as me, never planned or had a child after me. That all changed when I came to Canada.
After having the fortune of being introduced with an experienced doctor whose expertise was in eastern medicine, my lungs became stronger and my absences to school decreased. With that, my parents no longer worried about my health and finally decided to give me the sibling that I had always wished for. While my baby brother was perfect in every way, he sadly had the abnormal condition of Autism, which was brought to our attention when the teacher repeatedly told us of all his troublemaking tactics and his inability to be sociable.
My brother's diagnosed condition reminded me again the gift that my Canadian doctor gave me. He gave me the opportunity to live the life that other healthy kids live. He gave me the second chance to spend more time in school and strive for all the things I want - whether it's sports or academics - without having asthma to hinder me from my dreams. I wish to pass on this gift of opportunity and cure other kids from their sicknesses. I wish to give them the second chance so that they will also be capable of fighting for what they want without sickness from stopping them. I aspire to be the one who will give my brother the second chance to be cured from autism.
531 words
Consider adding:
"Your son has autism." It took me a while to finally register what the doctor said to my parents .
- for a second there I was like 'woah teenage pregnancy?' lol.
While my baby brother wasseemed/appeared to be perfect in every way, he sadly had the abnormal condition of Autism, which was brought to our attention when the teacher repeatedly told us of all his troublemaking tactics and his inability to be sociable.
My brother's diagnosed condition reminded me again the gift that my Canadian doctor gave me. He gave me the opportunity to live the life that other healthy kids live.
- I don't see the connection right away. I would change your approach a bit. Instead of dealing so much with what the doctor did for you, talk more about how seeing your brother made you want to give him the same chance that the doctor gave you. Maybe you felt guilty that he couldn't have that same second chance. This can be applied to your entire essay.
Overall, your conclusion needs some work. It's not very powerful. And your essay makes me expect a powerful ending.
Not bad!
Would you mind reading over mine?
Thanks!!!
I agree with straw on the 1st one. lol
Wonderful essay though!
straw was right, you might need a better connection between your brother's condition with your last paragraph. Try something stronger, like:
"Looking at my only brother, I wanted to cry. This is not fair at all. Why him? Why no cure? One day, I will be like that Canadian doctor...etc...to cure my brother and other innocent child...etc"
Try this for your last sentence: "I want to be a doctor." That would sum everything up, greatly strengthen your conclusion, and give a very strong impression.
Your essay is great! A powerful conclusion would do it.
Could you read over mine too, heh heh :PP.
Alright, will do :) Thank-you so much! And I will definitely read over yours.
