Hi everyone, I am applying in 'Retail Management' in Ryerson uni. Please check this essay and give me some useful tips to improve.
"Son, I want you to be an owner of a big department store one day when you grow up," my father used to say these words to me all the time when I was in school. At that time, I didn't know the reason behind it. But as I grew up I watched my father working hard in his retail shop just to attract as many customers as possible. He used to use various strategies to sell the products and maximize his profits. Every single day was new and challenging. He had to instantly find out the loss making projects and replace it with profitable dealings. He could do these things very quickly and effectively as he had mastered the technique. These things made me a bit curious to learn more about business. I wanted to achieve the same skills as my father had achieved from his years of experience. So, I decided to pursue my career in business. In fact, I decided to start my own retailing business in future. My dream seemed to come into reality when I achieved good results in my O and A level exams, especially in Accounting and Commerce. But now I must get an admission in a good university to fulfill my dream. So, with a strong interest in retail industry I started to search out for the universities in Toronto that offer courses in retailing. Then, I found the program named 'Retail Management' at Ryerson University- a perfect program to build my career in retail industry.
This program will teach me all the necessary skills that are required to succeed in retail industry, for example, leadership and communication skills. In addition, this program is designed perfectly to match the continuous changing business world. We will learn business theories as well as practical experience to overcome any obstacles in the real business world. Another reason is that the facilities are great in the 'Ted Rogers School of Business Management' which is located in downtown Toronto-the main business center of the city. So, I can also experience real-world learning. Also, this program is taught by highly qualified faculty members who have years of experience in teaching 'Retail Management'. So, I am absolutely sure about good quality education.
Apart from studying, I usually work in our retail shop with my father to broaden my knowledge about retail industry. I learned valuable things from my father, such as, communicating with customers and solving there problems. In addition, I started learning French because it will help me to target more customers as my own retailing business expands.
Finally, I can say that I have chosen the best university to pursue my undergraduate program and I am sure I will have a bright future after graduating from this university.
Why not tell them which retail industry in which your father (and you) work? That would give the essay more detail.
Here are some suggested corrections:
"Son, I want you to be an owner of a big department store one day when you grow up. " M y father used to say these words to me all the time when I was in school.
He used to use various strategies to sell the products and maximize his profits.
These things made me a bit curious to learn more about business.
Start a new paragraph with "My dream seemed to come..."
There , I will be able to experience real-world learning.
Try revising your essay to use stronger verbs. At the moment, you rely heavily on verbs such as "be," "have," "get,""make" and the like. Your essay would be stronger if you picked more precise verbs to convey your meaning. For instance:
Original: "He could do these things very quickly and effectively as he had mastered the technique."
Revised: "A mathematical wizard, he could quickly and effectively calculate the profit or loss involved in any deal."
Original: "These things made me a bit curious to learn more about business. "
Revised: These things inspired me learn more about business."
Original: "Also, this program is taught by highly qualified faculty members who have years of experience in teaching 'Retail Management'. So, I am absolutely sure about good quality education."
Revised: "This program, taught by highly qualified faculty members boasting years of experience in teaching 'Retail Management', will surely provide me with the highest quality education."
