entrance essay for the sonography program
Hello, may I get a help in writing entrance essay for the sonography program?
I am afraid to call this personal statement because there is no specific essay prompt or limitation except no more than 2000 words rule.
I just wrote based on guessed prompt: "Why do you want to get into the sonography program?"
Below is my rough draft for now.
Watching family members suffer undesirable maladies is an extremely agonizing task for anyone. However, in the case of my family, it was a slight relief for those of us who could at least could detect the progress of such diseases.
Polycystic kidney disorder. That was the stigma our father line was genetically cursed on. It left a variety of detrimental effects for each of all the members in the bloodline. My grandfather passed away due to chronic complications on renal functions when I was at the age of seven. Both my uncle and aunt are on their dialysis bags every single day. My father, the closest one I have observed, still suffers this constant swelling of cysts even after life-changing transplant of a left kidney. As far as I can remember, all their looks were apparently similar: sunken eyes, hollow cheeks, pale skin, abnormally distended abdomen, and many other absurdities that I am afraid to explain more. Yet, what intimidated me even more was that it was not only their issues at all. Those can be my future as well.
Thus, this became the main reason that I came to take and know more about medical tests like diagnostic sonography and radiology as well as realizing their significance in saving people's lives. My parents and I, just like their predecessors did, looked over every possible test that can detect and keep track of cyst development in my kidneys. Thankfully, my father and I had more opportunities to discover cysts in their earlier stage than grandfather did as South Korean medical fields adopted more advanced technologies from the western world. For instance, ultrasound was first introduced at South Korean medical community during the early 1980s, and my father relied on this technology on his abdomen and cardiac tests. For me, I also relied highly on abdominal, cardiac, and vascular sonography tests as well for my medical checkup.
Although I took many other tests such as radiologic modalities like X-ray and CT as well as more invasive methods like endoscopy, there were a number of reasons that sonography inspired me more than other methods did. To begin with, sonography showed remarkable efficiency in a way that it does not induce any pain or include injection of any kind during the entire process. One of the hardest parts that I barely endured in endoscopy and CT was that they both involved invasive injections of either physical or chemical instruments inside my body. For CT scans, I can still recall the moment when I almost vomited in front of other patients after getting intravenous injections that nauseated my stomach. For endoscopy, sliding endoscope directly into my digestive tract was kind of experience that I would never want to have again. Compared to these tests, all it took in sonography was only a few smearing of cold gels on my skin. Another reason that sonography attracted me was that it does not contain any harmful ultraviolet radiation like X rays and CT do. Some might say that I am acting overly fastidious, but I truly wanted to assure whether these radiations would cause any side effects on my renal functions. This absolutely does not mean that I believe that these other tests were inferior to sonography. In fact, these tests all played significant roles in detecting cyst development, but the most convenient one for me out of all of them was undoubtedly sonography. After all, I wanted to perform this attractive test with my own hands as well.
In addition to these personal preference, I also decided to choose sonography due to its highly positive outlook as one of the most promising technologies in the field of South Korean healthcare. Beginning from April 2018, Ministry of Health and Welfare in South Korea started to apply health insurance in abdominal sonography tests, decreasing their overall costs to less than half of the original price. As the Ministry plans to impose this insurance policy to sonography tests in all specialties by 2021, Department of Labor predicts that more job opportunities will open for professional sonographers in order for them to meet increasing demands for these cheaper tests.
I personally believe that this is an extraordinarily innovative progress for many potential sonographers as South Korean medical community has barely had any sonographer for a long period of time. In the majority of hospitals and clinics, most of those who perform sonography always have been doctors, registered nurses, or other professionals who take sonography as one of their side tasks. Even I took all my sonography tests from one of radiologists in the largest national hospital. Considering such circumstance, I am more than willing to join the group of pioneers who will enlighten the field of diagnostic sonography in South Korea. To let more people like me and my father to experience this advanced technology they deserve with actual professionals on their sides.@khong9198
Hello there. I'll provide you with writing feedback on this essay. I hope you find it helpful in the long-run when you're composing your text.
First and foremost, your paragraphs carry excessive length and weight. Try to shorten your composition, enabling you to have a better grip over the meaning that you're constructing. Alternatively, try to keep it balanced. Never compromise to the extent that you miss out details, especially given the nature of the essay. I recommend adding more dyanism to your writing in order to enable you to write more fluidly along the way. If you can be more dynamic (ie. using a mixture of language and lengths with paragraphs), you'll be able to curate a more creative approach to this essay.
I also find that, for the most part, you need to work on balancing the entirety of your content. The last paragraph needs more dedicated space as it is, in totality, more to be prioritized than puny details scattered in the former parts of your essay.
Best of luck as always.
@Maria
Thank you for your correction.
If I can ask, do you think the content itself is relevant to the prompt? For example, can the story of my family history be still used or maybe replaced with different content?
