Essay prompt asks what draws you to Swarthmore - here is my attempt
3000 species of plants. 1500 students. Among oftentimes mind-numbing college tours, this quirky fact stuck with me long after my spring break college visits concluded. I have never thought of myself as a man of nature. In fact, most days, I choose the artificial light of a computer screen or the chlorinated water of a pool as opposed to the tranquility of nature. However, as I toured the campus, I was awestruck by the beauty. Perhaps my air-conditioner had a rival at last.
Within half an hour of arriving, I was smitten with Swarthmore. As I walked to Parrish for the information session, I saw barbed wire and uniformed men blocking the entrance. I approached cautiously, struck by the contrast with the beauty of the surroundings, yet intrigued nonetheless. As it turns out, several students were conducting a realistic simulation of an Israeli checkpoint. Raised in a starkly pro-Israel, Jewish family, unbiased discussion about the Middle East is rare. Swarthmore affords the opportunity to let all views be heard by participating in an activist campus, brimming with life and political discourse. I welcome it with open arms and an open mind.
As an aspiring historian, I look forward to studying conflicts such as the Arab-Israeli crisis. Through Swarthmore's one-of-a-kind interpretation theory minor, I can analyze the historiography behind critical events. The ability to focus on theory through cross-disciplinary study is unique and something I hope to take advantage of at Swarthmore.
At first I viewed the political demonstration as a harsh contrast with the picturesque campus. Yet, I now recognize that, rather than opposites, the two are complementary. Although the scenery is aesthetically appealing and the demonstration certainly is not, the barbed wire represents a different kind of beauty. An academic community that values differing opinions is intellectually beautiful. And a campus that includes both will enable me to blossom.
Your essay is engaging. The second paragraph is your strongest example of why Swarthmore. Why not build on it - or alternatively, tie in into the conclusion of your final paragraph. Why historiography - is that a compelling reason to attend Swarthmore? Your first sentence starts with plants, so I thought you would be interested in Botany - a "man of nature" is good. But then I got a cold shower with your last line on airconditioning. Is this contrast deliberate? To what effect? Clashes with your last sentence of "soothing oasis" outside your dorm (which I assume is not airconditioned.)
Can you tie in your interest in History with the Israeli checkpoint your experienced? And talk about what impresses you most about Swarthmore's curriculum (courses, student activities, profs??)
Well, I think the air-conditioner line and the glow of the computer screen anecdote is showing the contrast with the effect Swarthmore had on me versus my normal state of being. I'm not a man of nature, yet, Swarthmore was able to create an appreciation in me for the beauty I may usually ignore.
Raised in a Jewish, starkly pro-Israel family and community, there is little room for the belief that Palestinians are unjustly treated. --- this sentence needs to be revised. Are you saying that your upbringing instilled biased views in your mind and that you want to open your mind to other perspectives? Revision is necessary, because "leaves little room"makes this confusing.
Like Linmark said, it seems like this is going to be about plants. That first part is confusing... I think you need a new first line, something that hints at your main idea. What is the main idea, really? Contrast of settings, new perspectives, a cool minor that other school's don't offer.. historiography. Historiography is something you will have to do as a historian regardless of your area of interest, but what countries do you want to focus on? What do you want to do for work?
Decide on a single message you want the reader to remember.
Well, I was trying to show that immediately upon entering the campus, it affected me. An appreciation for its beauty grew, yet the contrast between the beauty and the political activism was striking and something I really loved.
And historiography wouldn't really need to focus on a country. It is the study of interpretation (hence the major name) of history.
Rewrote it. Tried to tie it together significantly more. What do you all think of the third paragraph about academics? The point is pretty important to me and the interpretation-theory is very unique, so I really want to keep it. But, it feels like it doesn't fit. Thoughts?
3000 species of plants. 1500 students. Among oftentimes mind-numbing college tours, this quirky characteristic of Swarthmore stuck with me...
I though about improving the clarity here by adding the name of the school. But actually, maybe it is not necessary, since the AO reader will know what you are talking about. I think some of our initial confusion may not be an isue for the AO reader either, now that I am thinking of it differently...
The interpretation theory stuff does seem to fit. I like this essay a lot now... maybe some of its value was lost on me the first time, for whatever reason. This is impressive. It deserves to be longer, but you have a maximum word count to stay within... so... this seems very good, very efficient and interesting. The explanation of your history interests is great, too.
Thank you! I was worried about it after such harsh criticism. I'm glad I was able to improve it and craft more of an overarching theme.
Raised in a starkly pro-Israel, Jewish family, unbiased discussion about the Middle East is rare.
I do not understand the first sentence, who is the subject?
And just a suggestion, but maybe talk about how the beauty of the nature would motivate you to study harder to ensure that more places like Swarthmore can exist.
Also, if you have any free time, will you take a look at my essay?
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My essay
