I think I didn't write enough about the scene
How can I fix it?
Williams Essay
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to (300 words.)
A bright light shone through the frost-covered window. Looking through, I saw my home stay's daughter rushing out of a van to her mother. It was Christmas day, a time for families to reunite, yet the sound of my clattering keyboard was my only companion Nostalgia dragged my eyes to a photo where a tiny women smiled radiantly. Time had wrinkled her cheeks, but the resilient joyfulness was readily apparent. This is my mom, a self-sacrificing, persistent woman who raised three children all by herself. She was not one to cry, but that Christmas Eve when I was 12, she did.
It was 10:00PM. I had just finished teaching math to my brother. Walking down the stairs to say goodnight to my mom, I heard the footsteps of my father. He had come back from working in another city. Exhausted from a long day, my dad was not happy. He picked up the bill on the counter and turned to my mom dejectedly. As mom asked him to reduce credit card spending, father blamed that she should instead stop sending us children to expensive cram school for English. Mom firmly insisted she will never sacrifice our education. With this, father stomped down the staircase and left.
Mom knelt down and began crying. I didn't know how to respond, my mind had gone blank. Mom had always been a strong woman, but she was broken now. Before I knew it, I babbled through tears and promised mom to work harder and help out the family.
Her response was unexpected. She responded that I shouldn't worry about this adult's stuff but should just enjoy my time as a kid.
Although I agreed, I felt a need to do something. How can such a small woman bear so many burdens? Considering how much she sacrificed for us, I don't think I'd ever be able to repay her fully.
Watching my host mom embrace her daughter through the window, I revisited the desire to inherit my mother's self-sacrificing, persistent attitude. Whether it was leading class presentations or church fellowships, I was always very attentive and observant of others. If it allowed our group to cooperate better, I was willing to work harder. I have to admit that I did think about giving up my dreams of studying in America, but my mom's persistence has inspired me to never give up in life. From her example, I am confident that I too can stand firm in the pursuit of my dreams.
On the contrary, I think you've written too much... Try cut down the unneeded bits first.
This might be harsh but try rewriting it without looking at your original. It will help you summarize and save words. You currently are double the word limit...
yeahh! taiwanese!
wow ok if you're limit is 300 words you exceeded that by over 2x! (its like...650 words)
"Even when I felt overwhelmed, I'd just think of my mom, her attitude towards life, and everything that she had done for me, and then I'd feel rejuvenated again."
for this sentence your tenses are kind of awkward. you go from "i felt" to "i'd feel" and i know its a subtle thing but i dont know cuz it...bothered me a little (ahaha...ha...) so i guess its up to you if you want to fix it
also in your first paragraph i suggest writing out the numbers rather than using the arabic (3, 12, etc) just for formality's sake
