Here's my essay and the question on the site is,
How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission?
(maximum 3000 characters)
My essay follows as;
I heard about NJIT from my uncle who was a former student in 1990. My uncle graduated with a master's degree from the computer engineering department and told me all about the teachers,diverse students and the campus. Everything I heard from him was extraordinary. I remember telling myself I would do great in my present college (LaGuardia Community College) so I can get accepted into the computer engineering program at NJIT. I have visited NJIT a couple of times, the campus is enormous and brings me chills just by thinking about it, I remember as I was walking I saw different students from parts of the world, which makes NJIT enthusiastic and an encouraging school.
My ambition is to become a professional Computer Software Engineer, with a master's degree just like my uncle and in order to succeed and accomplish my dreams; this leads me to apply at NJIT. Ever since I was a child my uncle would tell me all about his work and teach me basic calculus and psychics, he told me this is the main aspect of any type of engineering and I caught on at the age of 15. Working with Java, C+ + and all the programming interests me tremendously. I truly depend on NJIT to shine my skills and on the other hand I promise to do my best. If feel like I am falling behind I can always catch up because of my uncle, I am truly grateful to him for teaching me everything I know now. I consider NJIT as the foremost source to take my dream to the next level. I want to make NJIT my home and become a professional, succeed in life and brighten my dreams.
My uncle graduated with a master's degree from finished his master degree program in the computer engineering department and told has informed me with all ( essential information ) about the teachers,diverse students and the campus ( life ). I am a student, i believe this kind of correction can help you to improve your essay :)
Dear Waquarali,
The key to academic writing is to be clear and concise. In addition, you should generally avoid overly emotive words like "dream", "truly grateful" etc.
I have rephrased what you have written below.
Best wishes,
Dr A.E Wilson
How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission?
I first heard about the New Jersey Institute of Technology (NJIT) from my uncle, who is a former student. My uncle graduated with a master's degree in computer engineering and has, on a number of occasions, told me about the excellent education he received and his many fond experiences. As a result, my interest in the field of computer engineering has been increasing, so much so that I was recently inspired to visit the campus and talk to a number of academics about the possibilities of future studies. Consequently, I now wish to formally apply for admission.
Like my uncle, my ambition is to become a computer software engineer and to work in this field. I already have a foundational understanding of a number of key areas in engineering; these include physics, mathematics and programming. I wish to further develop these skills and the Institute seems the right place to do this.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Waquarali
I heard about the New Jersey Institute of Technology from my uncle, a NJIT graduate (List the degree and year). He has been an able advocate for the NJIT, telling me about the talented instructors, rigorous courses, diverse student body, and scenic campus. Of course, I visited NJIT to see for myself. Everything I heard from my uncle and experienced for myself convinced me that NJIT is the right school for me. I am particularly excited about (name one or two specific things that are unique about the school).
I have wanted to be a computer engineer for a long time. As a boy, I listened intently to my uncle's stories about his work. When I was a teen, he taught me basic calculus and physics. He told me that physics and calculus are the foundations of engineering and encouraged me to begin my efforts to master both at an early age. By giving me a glimpse into the world of software engineering, my uncle helped me decide to become a Computer Software Engineer and to seek to pursue that ambition at NJIT.
As a LaGuardia Community College student, I have excelled academically and I have taken courses, such as (list some specific courses or activities that have prepared you) , to prepare to enter NJIT's computer engineering program.
NJIT is an ideal place to polish my skills as a Java and C++ programmer because (give two reasons that are unique to the school. Is a leading expert in language you want to learn on the faculty? Does the school have unique opportunities and ties to the IT community? Does it have a code library that is unique? Show the admissions person that you have done your homework on what makes the NJIT special.) Admission to NJIT is the best path toward joining a profession that I have wanted to belong to for many years.
Editor's comment: The original essay lacks specifics about the school and the elements in the applicant's background that make him a good candidate for admission. The original essay also does not demonstrate much specific knowledge of the school on the part of the applicant.
Good luck to you!
