Hey I think I'm valmost done but i need some help with the end if you guys can help me out it'd be appreciated!
"Everybody gets manned up on their first trek." That's what Mike ,my JASM, Junior Assistant Scoutmaster, told me before we boarded the plane and headed off to South Dakota on a backpacking trip. I had been in my Boy Scout troop for about three years before this first official trip with them came. It would be the first time I'd be surrounded by other guys since my dad had been sent to prison. I was scared of what would happen without my mom by my side. We landed later that day completely exhausted and headed off to a buffet dinner. Little did I know that at that moment they would begin to man me up.
They began what they called the Three Manly Trials. The first trial always begins at the first buffet. The only thing that needed to be done was to eat until you're full. I instantly said "Sure, no problemo!" They brought me my plate. It was full of vegetables that I hate and he knew I would never eat. They told me that there will be times that a man has to do something he may not want to do but, he will. I ate everything on my plate, even my worst enemy, spinach. I expected an applause or at least a pat on the back. When I asked my JASM why nobody who completed the trial got congratulated he told me "A man does not do things to get praise from others. He does it to better himself." I wasn't able to understand this till the next trial.
The second trial began seven days later, on our last day of backpacking. We had reached Marindahl lake and everyone was in awe. Before anyone got a chance to look at themselves in the water Mike called us all together. He told us that the second trial would make us leave our comforts behind. We would be sleeping 100 feet away from the adults and older scouts with only our sleeping bags. Our JASM walked us to our sleeping ground and casually told us that there were bears in the area. If we could stay the night we would have conquered our fears as every man should. We heard coyotes and raccoons all through the night. Although I was terrified I refused to leave. This was my chance to be better and I wasn't about to lose it. I eventually fell asleep with the rest of the scouts right by my side. I awoke the next morning to my JASM handing me my pack and tent.
The last trial was the hardest for all of us. It was our last night in South Dakota and we decided that we would campout instead of staying in the hotel that was offered to us. We built a bonfire and sat around it talking. Our JASM stood up and told us the last trial would be done one on one with him. I waited anxiously for him to call my name till I saw the first kid go back to his tent crying. He called my name. My heart was pounding. He stood in front of me and told me that I was weak. He said that I never showed anyone how I really felt and that I never did anything with my full potential. "A man is not a solid rock. He puts his heart and soul into everything he does and if he can't do that, he is weak." I didn't speak. "Show me what you're feeling. Everything you've done up till now is nothing if you can't express it. A man cannot keep himself isolated from the world around him. He has to take everything that it has to offer and use it to grow." That has never left me. I cried for the first time since my dad left me that night.
That was four years ago. I am now the JASM of my troop. This summer it was my turn to run the trials. I ran them as they were executed every year before except I added a my own extra twist. I told them that this was only a stepping stone in becoming the best that they can be. They should always keep learning and taking whatever opportunities life gave them. This is one thing I understand well. I know that a man must do things he may not want to do, stand strong in the scariest situations, and not be afraid to be himself but, like I told them that was only the beginning. I still have a long way to go till I become the person I am meant to be but I know that when I go to your school I will be one step closer to that person.
I think the end is week but i don't know how to end it
thanks in advance!!
hey man i think this is pretty good.
compared to the beginning the end the does seem weaker
i think maybe if you a better transition from your turn doing the trails into why the school will help you even more
A colon will work better than a comma here:
I ate everything on my plate, even my worst enemy: spinach.
That night, I cried for the first time since my dad left me.
Okay, I advise you to add to the intro and conclusion in a way that will show you as the person you are now, looking backk on the person you were 4 years ago. In the intro paragraph, let the reader know how old you were when this experience was happening.
It will be great if you can connect this with your intended major somehow at the end.
It will also be great if you compensate for all the man up talk by acknowledging, perhaps in the conclusion, that this celebration of manliness and equation of manliness with virtue is actually rather sexist. Now that you are 4 years older, it might be nice to acknowledge that their emphasis of manliness in association with virtue may not have been appropriate. This is especially important if your essay is going to be read by a female admissions professional.
This is a very emotive essay, and you write very well!!
thanks so much
I can't believe i didn't put my age
i was thinking about the major but they are different for different schools
thanks a lot kevin
i guess joe took the words right out of my mouth lol
I'm so confused!!
:-)
