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'southern peasant with city dreams' - Why NYU?


Appleman34 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
A southern peasant with city dreams enters his desired kingdom and falls in love. It became my sanctuary; a place that I felt free to express any individuality that I had boiling inside of me. While attending Tisch last summer for their high school program, I can honestly say that it was a pleasure to feed off of the creative energy from my peers as I was challenged to improve every day. To me, NYU was a melting pot for diverse and creative individuals. It breeds an accepting nature that will blossom into innovative, astounding art. It was a well needed and appreciated change from the old environment in my high school. There, I feel limited; silenced because of narrow minded opinions and conservative backgrounds. "Yes, I want to make a short film about a demon. Yes, I am the author of 'Diary of a Rape Victim' and yes, it is abstract. Is that a problem?" Here in the peasant lands, it didn't sit well with the villagers. However, in NYU, I felt like I could paint a song with any color I pleased. I could sing a picture and explore the highest and lowest of my range. I could write a routine that wouldn't have a happy ending and I could dance a scripture to my own beat. My mind was left stimulated and was opened to a whole new perception of art and how it can be interpreted. NYU is the kingdom I've long awaited for and is the only college that will lead me to a 'happily ever after'.

I have two concerns. "Here in the peasant lands, it didn't sit well with the villagers." Does this make me sound pretentious? Also, do you get the fairytale aspect of it?

ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Julian

I got the fairy-tale aspect of you essay, a nice touch, not sure if its something that has been overdone but it has definitely added some spruce to your essay.

Also it doesn't sound pretentious to me - rather I think that the'villagers' didn't accept your eccentricities.
I think this is a really good essay, as it explicitly states why YOU want to go here, however I think it could be stronger if you were more specific about NYU or gave an example, maybe you had a conversation with a current student and from their experience you know that NYU will accept your quirks.

Good Job!

Hope this helps!
OP Appleman34 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
Thank you for the advice!
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
Your welcome honey :)
Glad to help.
deremifri 9 / 137  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
Well, to me it does make you sound pretentious.
Consider the following:
NYU has students from around the world, maybe some of them are also from villages, and NYU wants to
have a good functioning student body.
If you are judgemental about the villagers' life style, who says that you won't be judgemental about a different from your own
lifestyle of a NYU student?
You do not want to sound like a liberal elitist that looks down on other people's lifestyle.
You can still describe the limitations you felt, but be a little less harsh on your peers.

Hope this could help.

It would be great if you could take a look at my revised sadness essay:
OP Appleman34 1 / 2  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
Thank you. I'll consider that and take a look at yours.
jadore_lamode68 6 / 37  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
I love your essay! I felt like your words were like liquid poetry. The idea is GOLD!

If I were you I would try to look at specifics. I know you mentioned the Tishe program but adding another detail which attracts you to NYU would take this over the top.


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