Hey guys, I kinda just found out about this website, and I hope this isn't too late, but I have an essay that I'm planning on submitting to Williams College and I wanted some revisions, whether it be spelling, grammar, style, flow, whatever else there could be.
Prompt
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.
Essay
As I look out the window, I see thousands of stars spread out across the dark blue sky. Betelgeuse, Orion's alpha star, shines prominently in the south near the twins Castor and Pollux and the giant Jupiter, while the great rectangle of Pegasus falls to the west and the flipped question mark of Leo rises from the east.
The stars and the planets always mesmerize me. Even when I look into the seemingly empty space with stars spread sparsely like on a disappointing cookie with barely any chocolate chips, my mind tricks me into seeing them much closer and much livelier. I blink once and see a star near the constellation Auriga ejecting mass towards the darkness too deep for me to see. I visualize a Cepheid in the Andromeda Galaxy pulsating, turning bright and then dark, as if it is playing peek-a-boo. I see even more stars, most of which I never knew about until I see them through my mental eye. Some have flashy flares flaming flamboyantly in the dark, some have dark dots like zits on the face of a teenage girl, and some have an unusual dearth of hydrogen, the most common element in the universe.
The thousands of questions swarm inside my head every time I gaze at the stars. I invariably seek the knowledge of the world outside to be explored every time I look outside and see the gleaming, giant balls of gas in the sky, and I feel satisfied when I find the answers, only to thirst even more for new information. The space is playing hide-and-seek, and I want to join its game.
Thank you so much, guys!!! :)
some have dark dots like zits on the face of a teenage girl, (I would probably use "pimples" instead of "zits", and "teenager" rather than "teenage girl").
Even when I look into the seemingly empty space with stars spread sparsely like on a disappointing cookie with barely any chocolate chips
Hope this helps.
The thousands of questions swarm inside my head every time I gaze at the stars. I invariably seek the knowledge of the world outside to be explored every time I look outside (mayb a little awkward here?)and see the gleaming, giant balls of gas in the sky, and I feel satisfied when I find the answers, only to thirst even more for new information. The space is playing hide-and-seek, and I want to join its game.
Hm I like how your essay is quite descriptive.good luck with your application! !
