Hi! The deadline for my application is this saturday and I just finished my personal statement. I was hoping someone could give me feedback on it.
This is for USC's film production major. I don't have a title yet, so I am open to suggestions :)
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"What about spaghetti?" "No," I shouted. Descending from a big traditional Italian family, most of my relatives think I am the black sheep because I do not like pasta. Raviolli? Lasagna? Canelloni? My answer is a solid no. Truth is, I cannot control my disdain for pasta and I am proud to be different.
My feud with pasta is not the only thing that makes me an unconventional character to many people. Born in the middle of an aeronautic family, my passion for machines and technology was uncontrollable. At the age of 7, I was competing in national motocross championships and dreaming of being a helicopter pilot, some uncommon activities for a little girl. My mind was fixated on technology and its power. However, as I grew up, school helped me change my way of thinking, and I began to explore many other activities, particularly out of school. Since my school offered few opportunities to participate in extracurricular activities, I tried everything: swimming, drawing classes, basketball, painting classes, horseback riding, and many more. I enjoyed each new activity that I tried, but there was still something missing: passion.
It was a normal holiday for my family: spaghetti on the table, chicken for me, and over twenty family members trying to fit in the couch. It was normal for us to disagree on what to watch on the TV, but that evening was different. As my grandmother walks into the living room, holding a huge box, everyone wonders what she was up to, because she always tries to keep everyone happy. "I found the old family videos!" she shouted with a gigantic smile on her face. Everyone was super excited to retrieve old memories. Weddings, family barbecues, vacations and a lot of funny moments were stored on those VCR tapes. It felt so good to re-visit the past and laugh with my family. We were so happy that we lost track of the time and ended up going to bed at three in the morning. On the following day, I was still enchanted by the magic of what a camera could do and that inspired me to get my own camera.
"Paulo, get down of that tree right now!" my aunt shouted non-stop. It was the following day of my family's reunion and I was still sitting on the couch, watching all of the VCR tapes I could. My cousin Paulo walked into the living room and I had to show him what I have found. There he was, on top of the highest tree in my grandma's property with a bunch of bananas in his hand, pretending he was a monkey. That was one of the funniest memories we had on tape. At that time, my cousin Paulo had watched a documentary about how humans and monkeys descended from a common ancestral, and he strongly believed he was a monkey for seven months. During all of that time he would only eat bananas, leaves and eggs, and he also built a tree house that he could spend time on.
Weeks later, when I returned to school after the holidays, I told my friends about my monkey cousin story. They could not believe that the story was true, but as I assured them it was, they fell into laughter. It felt amazingly great to know that everyone enjoyed and loved my story about my cousin, and that inspired me to tell them all the crazy stories about my family. "But how did he get inside the church?" My friend asked, regarding the story about my uncle's wedding, where a drunken homeless man walked down the isle singing a Beatle's song in the middle of the ceremony. Telling my family's stories became my favorite thing to do, and I loved when my friends gathered around me during lunchtime to pay attention to what I was about to tell.
I finally realized that the passion I was missing in my activities was found in my love for telling stories. Like my disdain for pasta in an Italian family and my cousin craziness, each of my family's members had an unconventional characteristic about them, which made them perfect characters to my stories. Now I know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be able to tell the world how my aunt Raquel thought the automatic door for disabled people was magical, or how my grandmother forgot my uncle on top of a statue in Italy for three hours. I am ready to tell my stories to the world and record, create and freeze memorable moments forever.
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Thank you so much!
I really appreciate the help. I will revise yours if you need me too :)
Any comments? THANKS A LOT!
Good start. I like the opening and flow into how you are different in other ways.
these lines need some work:
people seem to think that something is wrong with me simply because I am different.
specially out of school, since mine did not offer almost any extracurricular activities or clubs. I tried everything I could: swimming, drawing classes, basketball, painting classes, horseback riding, and many more. I found it weird that I could not find anything that I was interested in besides what I was already used to, and the need to find and explore new things that I liked was eating me from inside out.
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Hello,
Your personal statement is impressive! (at least to me:) )
1)
[quote=.]"What about spaghetti?" "No," I shouted. Descending from a big traditional Italian family, most of my relatives think I am the black sheep because I do not like pasta. Raviolli? Lasagna? Canelloni? My answer is a solid no. Truth is, I cannot control my disdain for pasta and I am proud to be different.
If I were you, I would delete the quoted part, because I don't think it works in your PS. Instead, you can conclude it into two simple sentences: As an Italian, I hate pasta. Yet I had not found my passion for a certain thing until my family gathering in [year]. (âthese are only my words, and you might want to revise them and make them fit in your article)
2)You may also weaken your "disdain" in your ethic traditional food. Well, you can use another way talking it. Your point is to say you are not conventional and common, but make it more positive :) It does not sound right somehow.
3)I think you could extend your goal to a larger one--- beyond your family stories.
I finally realized the missing passion: the passion of telling stories. And I want to devote my whole life in it. I want to tell he world how my aunt Raquel thought the automatic door for disabled people was magical. I want to tell how my grandmother forgot my uncle on top of a statue in Italy for three hours. I want to tell all the crazy, funny stories that I met, I heard or I made up. I want to make the whole world laugh.
4) I can see you want to emphasize the pasta part to show your uniqueness. However, I think it is weak. Maybe you should find another example, or try writing in another way to make it stronger and more impressive. And maybe you can focus on your wish to be humorous and to help in making the world a happier one. e.g. you told the story when your friend is down, and he laughed and became happy again. These things made you want to tell funny stories and push away all the unhappiness. Something like that.
As I'm not a native speaker of English, my words might be rude sometimes but I did not mean it. I hope you can understand that. :)
Good luck on your application!
Hello,
I think your PS starts out great. I agree with luying9682 when he says you should quote the "conversation" in the beggining. I think you should add something more that shows the "sparkle" you have. The pasta example holds on in the example, the family history gives a support, but it's missing the "sparkle".
Other than that I find your personal statement great.
Good luck :)
