Hello!
I am looking for some feedback on my transfer admissions statement of purpose to the University of Texas. This is my first draft. Please help! Is it too long?
As a child, one is told not to talk to strangers. As an adult, I have found that there is much to be learned from a stranger. I discovered my passion for language during a series of conversations with one stranger in particular; a veterinary student from Nicaragua named Lester, who spoke no English.
I had learned the basics of Spanish, or so I thought, during my freshman year of high school, and I owned a Spanish/English dictionary with a section dedicated to commonly used phrases. So I was pretty confident about my ability to communicate when I boarded a plane to Honduras five years ago. Overly confident. The moment I was spoken to, in Spanish, I opened my mouth to speak and no real words came out. Mostly, "Err... Uh. I, uh... Estoy... oh. Lo siento..." I tried fumbling with my phrase book, but I was too nervous to actually find something useful. So I quickly resigned to only speaking with fellow tourists, so I wouldn't have to admit to my incompetence. After about two weeks, I was tired of hearing the same tourist stories and I had been practicing my basic Spanish in my head, so I was ready to try again. Lester looked nice; he was wearing a cowboy hat, which I used as my gateway to potential conversation. "Te gustan los sombreros? Soy de Texas y tenemos estos sombreros alli." That was the easy part. It felt awesome that he understood me and he spoke back! Since Lester didn't speak English and I didn't speak Spanish, we realized we could learn something from each other, and therefore we met every morning for the following week to have coffee and a short lesson. His spring break ended and he went back to Nicaragua, and I decided I would go back to school when I returned to the United States, to take a Spanish class.
The semester following my return, I became a dedicated Spanish student and took other basic classes as well, not quite sure what I was working toward. Upon completion of Spanish IV, I had the opportunity to go abroad again. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to apply what I had learned in the classroom to real-life scenarios. The class offered was Cultural Anthropology, a five-week class in Peru. Our ACC class was combined with students from the University in Lima, so there was ample opportunity to practice conversation. Also, each Peruvian student spoke English fairly well, which was of great help to me in preparing for the month following the class. Each student could pick their own date to return to the States and I chose to return a month after the class was scheduled to end. This was my month of "independent study." I visited each large city in Peru, ventured into Bolivia, and traveled up towards Ecuador, mostly traveling by myself, determined to learn as much as I could about the language and culture from the friendly strangers I surrounded myself with. I was very comfortable hopping from city to city with my knowledge of the language, but I knew that when I returned home again that I had much more to learn.
Spanish was my motivation to begin my scholastic career and it is my motivation to continue it. It has been two years since my venture to Peru and I have since taken full advantage of the resources available at Austin Community College. I feel that my Associates Degree with a concentration in Spanish is merely a prerequisite to the classes I intend to take at the University of Texas. The classes offered encompass all aspects of the various Spanish-speaking cultures that intrigue me: their histories, their economies, their artists, writers, and musicians, just to name a few. I am mostly interested in the concentration of Hispanic Linguistics, and I may be interested in the Language Teaching program as well. I have considered the Peace Core and teaching English abroad in Spanish speaking countries. With a bachelor's degree from the University of Texas, the options are endless.
So I was pretty confident about my ability to communicate when I boarded a plane to Honduras five years ago. Overly confident.
I love the way you have written this.
and I may be interested in the Language Teaching program as well.
Don't say "I maybe." It portrays a negative image -- one that shows a lack of a plan.
My version would be -- "I am mostly interested in the concentration of Hispanic Linguistics, but I find the Language Teaching program intriguing as well"
Peace Core
Is that Peace Corps?
This is good!! I'm impressed!!!
Change that semi-colon to a colon in the first para.
You have a cool username.
Um... add one more sentence to that first para, and make it a thesis statement that will plant your main idea in the reader's mind! :-)
"Err... Uh. I, uh... Estoy... oh. Lo siento..." I tried fumbling with my phrase book, but I was too nervous to actually find something useful. --- excellent insight there. Clever, too. I also like your intro.
Okay, at the end of the first para and in the conclusion para, I think you should talk about specific plans as a translator, teacher, and whatever else... Maybe you are not interested mostly inSpanish, but actually in language itself -- all language. Go deeper in your introspection so that the reader can really appreciate your ideas and passion for language.
I don't know if it is too long. Give admissions a call. :-) Eres una escribadora fantastica.
oh.. I mean escritor! Nevermind, ha ha, I am not good at Spanish... :-)
