"Speaking is living." - Binghamton essay for common app.

I just need to know if this essay is good or not and if there are anyways I can improve on it. Topic of your choice. I described an event in my school and how it affected others.

What am I going to say? Deciding what word to choose for speaking allows me to grasp the possible as well as help me better explain the impossible. This helps to make both a reality. The inevitable becomes my fear when I speak because my thoughts have been translated into something that exists. The core of my personality is now tangible. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak.

As I travel through the cauldron of my memories, I notice that I'm undergoing a constant revolution within myself, so that I can be the difference. The emotions I experience are a clinging to my dynamic speaking each day.

A new essence of myself was shaped at a typical student government meeting two years ago. This was a time in which everybody sat around and proposed ideas that were hardly ever fulfilled. I hadn't slept much two days before. However, when the wintry breeze grazed my face and became a part of me for a second, I realized that the past for me was now gone. My speaking skills were now a thing of the future. With a burning insertion of vehemence I said, "We are now at the crosshairs of a new era. You can choose to stay the same or to change into a governing body that does what it says. The lies of the past can be erased. (I hit my hand against the wall) It is you who must decide for the betterment of Yonkers High."

Mostly everybody in the room was heartless for a moment. The atmosphere hadn't settled, but then the student government members all agreed. From that point forward the insignificant became significant because we began to help the students and listen to them. I was now perceived as someone who took a definitive stance as a leader.

Now when I inhale at the end of each thought, I forge through my upbringings into a place within me that is self changed. My interpretation is ignited by my inception of reason. My speaking is a depiction not of what I am physically but, of what I believe. Speaking is the conveying of the realism in my mind. Every movement of my hand when I speak is a trail of my emotions. My hand may rise or fall, but be certain that it will never be level because there is no balance too one side of me.

When all is over, I stand and look back. I understand from my action, more or less is due to my change. In this way it became the new way of life. It was new way of life, not only for myself, but also for the enlightenment of others. Several of the leaders in Student government were unable to stand still for a moment longer. Slowly they began to step down for they could no longer hide behind the lies of their actions. Though very few stood firm with faces of uncertainty, there was a feeling of hope for it was time for the start of something new. The eyes of the students, teachers, and leaders of Yonkers High School were now open. They could see now just how much the school could flourish and it did. The school surged forward and that is what speaking is. Speaking is living. It is yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Speaking is making the everyday a new day and a better day for all

What? I didn't get you mean here, it's too ambiguous to try and correct. The sentence
needs better flow too.



What? They didn't have a heart? Do they bear a cold attitude toward what you said? It's very unclear


Give example to how you "help students and listen to them"

I agree with you that student councils or any club's leaders never really do much; however, I don't think you should call their unproductive leadership "lies" (it's such a strong word).

Your sentences seem to be a little bit clutter and wordy; however, I suggest that you refine the content of your essay before worrying about technical errors.

Reading through your essay, I'm sorry, but it is not fun. I read your essay twice and barely have an idea of what you're talking about.

The first para. is so long-winded and doesn't really have to state your points or thesis.


That sentence seem to be the thesis for your essay. However, it's so ambiguous and hard to comprehend the point you're trying to make

Just when I thought your essay was going to be able "speaking," your 2nd para. steered me into thinking that you're trying to talk about "leadership" instead. Try to reinforce your focus on "speaking" better in the 2nd para.

Overall, your essay uses too many abstract wordings, try to incorporate something more solid into your paper.

Good luck :)

Have time? Look at mine! Thanks

to choose for speaking ---awkward

This was a time in which everybody sat around and proposed ideas that were hardly ever fulfilled. ----for some reason i dont like this sentence. sounds elementary. your old version of it was better

room was heartless ---were they really heartless? as in devoid of emotion? i have trouble believing this

The eyes of the students, teachers, and leaders of Yonkers High School were now open. ---good

Speaking is making the everyday a new day and a better day for all---trite..you can do better

i feel like this is weaker than the version i read for yale. keep your blunt style. it was better

To be truthful, I think your essay can be confusing. There were some vague words and phrases that confused me like " The core of my personality is now tangible. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak." I mean, i think these sentences could be more effective if it came after a clear explaination of the situation. I think your sentences can be more direct and clear, so that the readers aren't confused...

Please help me fix mine!! It's pretty bad and needs a lot of fixing!