This is the personal essay to university of Florida, It is like a personal statement
Essay question: a meaningful experience, how it will affect ur college experience and ur contributions to UF community.
I was never the type of person to speak my mind. My answers and replies were often not what I wanted to say. It has cost me so much loss and pain throughout my life. I couldn't really handle myself anymore.
I didn't talk much either, especially around strangers. However my comments were appreciated. Only with a couple of people could I speak freely; at then I was energetic and lively. I felt silenced and rejected whenever I was too shy to speak, although I felt full of energy and words inside. The main reason I was shy was because the adult-oriented atmosphere I grew up in. My relatives were mostly grownups, so I didn't have much to do with them either. I know many children with the same problem.
Weak self-confidence was the other problem. I have always been severely criticized for both of them, mainly by my mother, but most excruciatingly by myself. I didn't know how to control it. Shyness in today's world is destructive. I had tried escaping from it by going to a summer camp. Escaping from your problems never helps. Although the summer camp was the best experience of my life, if I had been less shy, I would have gained and even contributed much more to the community. I regret being shy in all those years.
I found hope in UWC, a new environment with people that don't know me. I was committed to change, but it wasn't long before I realized my efforts were futile. I grew hopeless realizing that change needs a long time to occur. However, now I realize that change can be fast, but rather painful.
One evening in UWC, I was preparing to watch a movie and rest my illness away. She opened the door, looking for my roommate. I couldn't remember if I had met her, I didn't even know her name. She then made me tea and watched the movie with me, which made me happy and very thankful.
From then it started, she tried to start a conversation whenever possible. Of course I didn't feel in any position to be annoyed by her, she was a second year after all. She would come in my room every day, with the excuse of looking for my roommate, but publicly tried to make connection with me during her visits. In Iran, I hadn't been exposed to this kind of behavior; I was completely naïve and of course, shy.
One day she offered to take a walk with me to a store. I didn't need anything to buy and had a workload, but of course, I ended up going. The offers never stopped, by then I knew what was happening. Before I knew it, we had kissed. I didn't want to walk into this any further, but she, being two years older, had completely dominated the scene. It hadn't even been two weeks since the movie night that she offered me a massage. It didn't seem like a big deal at first, massaging for charities is quite common in UWC. After the massage she whispered "Look, I can be there for you if you want me to". I froze for a moment and felt incredibly nervous and weak. I was questioning myself whether to give in, to leave all my beliefs and my dignity aside.
"No" I said. She asked me if I was sure, trying to tempt me, but I assured her.
I never got bothered by her again and managed to catch on what I had missed on. Social life has felt much better, and fairer.
Not only is it important to know when to say no, but it is even more important to be able to say no. I have learnt that speaking your mind, no matter how harsh it may sound, is very important since no one else will say it for you, and it makes changes that affect your life. It is a lose-lose situation; the shy person will never be appreciated and the community will never make use of his positive inputs. Now when I look back, I realize that I was more afraid than shy. I remember whenever I tried to speak up, my attempts were weak because of my fear and I hoped to do better next time instead of continuing trying, so I never improved. This taught me another great lesson, to challenge our fears, for they obstruct us from maturity and growth. Our fears are perceived much bigger than they actually are. Once you overcome your fears you realize that all you needed is courage.
Since my progress, people have shown to become more interested in interacting with me than before. I have made more friends and I am admired among them for not giving in easily that night. I will, in my abilities, do my best to share this experience with other students if I feel that they can improve in the way that I did, I will encourage them to face their fears. Now that I feel more open, I see a much brighter future ahead of me.
It's not even obscene. Obscene would be if you went into great detail about the kiss, etc.
great, thats what i wanted to hear, thanks!. Does any one have any comments about the essay itself?
I was never the type of person
You can't use "I" with "his" together.
I have always been severely criticized for both of them, mainly by
my mother, but
most painfully(can you find a better word?)
The sentence sounds awkward. That is just one suggestion but you should revise it somehow.
By the time I was 15,
I was already so fed up with it.
I had tried escaping all this by going to summer camps. Escape never helps.
You might want to explain why "escaping" never helps. It seems like it would.
I was committed to change, but it wasn't long
I realized my efforts were futile?
I grew hopeless after
realizing that change need
a long time to occur.
Evening in UWC
I don't think evening should be capitalized.
She then offered to make me tea and watch the movie with me
made me happy and very thankful.
It wasn't such a big deal, since many people do that here, it's a student charity organization; we pay them for it.
This is a run-on. Revise.
I never got bothered by her again and managed to catch up
I hope my suggestions are helpful. This is a very sensitive topic and I like how you tie it in at the end. However, make sure you read through your essay to catch any awkward syntax, style errors, etc.
Yes thank you very much for your comments!
any more comments? any point that needs more explaining? anything would be helpful, and i will in return read your essays ;)
However, I dont think you should take your time to describe in detail how the massage felt or telling the reader that she turned off the lights to seduce you into sexual activity
A nice essay.
However i feel that you could just shorten the event a bit and elaborate more on how you would affect your college community . :)
Yea, you should talk more about the effects of your experience...
Do you guys have any suggestions how i can use the topic to describe how it can affect the college community?
Is this good material for the personal statement for all universities?
you should write that you were shy, sure, but thats only because you're naturally more quite and reserved. Perhaps you did not join in conversations not becuase you didn't have anything to say but instead becuase you were interested in hearing others points of views, youre fascinated by the world around you. Perhaps you would like to write that now you understand how important it is for you to contribute your opinions, your perspectives because if you don't , no one will be able to contirbute it for you.
Overall, try to turn your shyness into a positive light, not a negative one. try to sugegst that you may have been shy but your personality is lively- maybe around loved ones or friends? I think your essay is written candidly, you just have to change the tone in which youre writng it- make it sound more upbeat.
Don't worry about this essay not being personal statement material. It is.
It's not as radical as you may think it is. :]
However, there are a couple of things you have to fix. One, is to make your shyness sound better. You listed all these things you missed out on because of your shyness but you never explained why you were shy. You should also spend some time making the beginning of your essay sound more positive.
I really enjoyed your last paragraph but your last sentence was really weak. You went from talking about yourself to talking about college students in general. It ended the essay on an impersonal note which is kind of empty.
Overall, it was good read. Good luck, and I hope I helped some. :D
[b]Thank you! Both of you helped alot
please please please final comments
Hey Qin, you have read this essay and also my other one about smells, which one do you think is better for my personal statement? please reply as soon as you can!