Please help to revise for me. Thank you so much
Prompt: Why you choose educational field?
Back into my first few years at college, I was still exploring, flirting with the challenge of trying to pinpoint which, among a few professions, would be most suitable to pursue. Finally, I chose to be a teacher for one simple reason: I would have more days off and full summer vacation. My decision became seriously with my passion toward teaching children with disabilities after I met Daniel, my point of view had altered.
I remember it was Monday evening, like any ordinary day; my friend called me with unenergetic voice when I just had finished my diner. She asked me to watch over her two years old son in a couple hours because she needed to help her mother in a hospital for an emergency. I was eager to stay with the boy because working with children was my best interest, but after my initial interaction with Daniel, I knew it was so much difficult to work with a special child.
The boy had all the symptoms of autism. He didn't respond when I engaged him in some games and activities. He just sat quietly at the corner and looked aimlessly at one point. Daniel seemed like to be in his own world. I didn't know what to do after many attempts failed, but when I saw his bright smile I couldn't control my tears. Why a child with perfect look had to be isolated in his own world? Suddenly, Daniel came to me and touched the tears on my face; from that moment I felt the bonding between us. Daniel's innocent smile hunted me that night and I wanted to do something better for him.
Afterward, I did a research about autism, and I noted that this---disability can be lessen if it was early intervention. I signed up for my credential classes for teaching children with disabilities and determined to become a special education teacher. Yet, I have always wanted to be a teacher, not merely having a long summer vacation, but for making a different in one's life.
Finally, I chose to be a teacher for one simple reason: I would have more days off and full summer vacation.
I think you should NOT say this. It puts you in a category of people who did not choose education for the right reasons. Even though you are writing about an experience that changed your attitude, I think you should not admit that you originally had superficial motives. I mean, you probably were not that superficial... after all, other professions can give you long vacations and plenty of days off... so I think your heart was in teaching from the start.
You can rewrite this to tell about how you became even more passionate about education due to your experience with this student.
Do you understand all of Freezard's advice? Let's see a new draft if you want to try to improve some more. Thanks for participating so much lately! :-)
yes, Kevin! I understand and learn a lot from the revise, but I have a question, if I use the word "flirting" in that sentence "flirting with the challenge of trying..." is that the right word? or "searching" better. However, I change my introduction to this paragraph
I was born and grown up in a small village in Vietnam where most of the children weren't sent to school, because their parents couldn't afford for the tuition. I was the luckiest kid because my parents were able to pay for my tuition. I remember when I was in second grade, I spent my summer to teach children in the village how to read and write. Yet, I have always wanted to be a teacher, but my decision became seriously with my passion toward teaching children with disabilities after I met Daniel, a son of my friend.
Do you think this introduction would be better than the first one? Thanks, by the way, I'm practicing to write my personal experience for one more week, then I will spend my next 2 weeks for agrument essays. My exam will coming up at the beginning of Oct
Flirting is a cool word that makes a kind of metaphor. If I fly in a plane, I feel as if I am flirting with death. hahahaha...
Here is what to do:
I was still exploring,
flirting with the challenge of trying to pinpoint ...
See? it is way more powerful if you trim away the excess.
If you are clever, you might be able to take the best parts of the old and new intro and put them together. Maybe.
Here is a fix:
...spent my summer teaching children in the village how to read and write. I have always wanted to be a teacher, but my decision became serious with my passion toward teaching children with disabilities after I met Daniel, a son of my friend.
This is very good.
I'm not a clever. Indeed, I'm a bad writer; therefore, I have failed my test for more than 30 times. I'm just trying to pass for this time