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'special interest clubs and organizations' - Pitzer Supplement Essay


dennyssampler 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2008   #1
Preferably no 09 applicants. Just for safety, not pointing any fingers

Much thanks in advance,

PM me if ur willing to read.

My possible mistakes on essay:
-Too much storyline
-Grammar definetly
-Didnt fully asnwer prompt (didnt address intercultural understanding or social responsibility)
-Crappy organization
-Essay not focused, seems to be reaching everywhere.

Harsh and BRUTAL criticism NEEDED. please be as blunt as possible

OP dennyssampler 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2008   #2
um should i post my essay here for better responses instead of waiting for PMs?
alicimoo 3 / 24  
Dec 25, 2008   #3
I don't believe this site has PMs. If you want feedback, you'll have to post your essay here.
OP dennyssampler 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2008   #4
Oh no wonder.

___________________________

Prompt: "Pitzer's educational objectives (intercultural understanding, social responsibility, interdisciplinary emphasis and student autonomy regarding breadth of knowledge courses) create a distinctive educational experience and community of learners. Please tell us why these objectives are a good match for you"

REMOVED
gmailblows31 6 / 21  
Dec 25, 2008   #5
"I could not help want(ing) a slice of every cake (no pun intended). "
"I actively participated in (my school's?) Interact Rotary Service Club." You may want to introduce where you learned of this club and if it's from your school.
OP dennyssampler 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2008   #6
hey are u sure about the "wanting". it sounds kind of awkward

and i changed it to "Witnessing my aunt's generosity and the worker's gratefulness, I actively participated in my school's community service club, Interact Rotary Service Club."

thoughts? ocmments?
gmailblows31 6 / 21  
Dec 25, 2008   #7
"I could not help want a slice of"
You can either put it as:
"I could not help but to want a slice of"
or
"I could not help wanting a slice of"
Verb form in the original does not agree :)
OP dennyssampler 3 / 8  
Dec 25, 2008   #8
okay i put I could not help but to want.

Thank you for ur help :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 26, 2008   #9
The workers that my aunt hired were always interesting, because my aunt hired workers based on their needs, rather than their resumes. Every worker I met had his own interesting story to tell about why he was in America working at the bakery. The store was filled with unique perspectives, including those of a Venezuelan teacher, a Cambodian doctor, a Mexican songwriter, and a Korean attorney. Every worker at the bakery told me about his profession, and as a curious and open child, I could not help want a slice of every cake (no pun intended).

They gave me a thirst for knowledge in every aspect, because the worker's backgrounds and professions were explained so vividly.

I was further affected by these humble workers from the bakery because I saw the gratefulness each one had for my aunt. Because they could not practice their professions in the United States, where their licenses were not valid, they each held a large amount of respect for my aunt who would easily take a stranger in.

Whether I want to become a teacher, a doctor, a songwriter, or an attorney, I know that Pitzer's renowned liberal arts program would create the perfect foundation for whichever career path I choose.

Cute last sentence:)

Good luck!


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