Hey, guys. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. This my Rutgers Transfer essay, can you please read it and critique? Thanks a ton, :D
Question: Please use the space below to tell us how you believe a Rutgers education will help you achieve your personal enrichment or career goals.
Essay:
Why A Rutgers Education Is Important to Me
A Rutgers education will allow me to accomplish my personal and professional goals in life with an education that is recognized world wide and held in the highest esteem. The Rutgers community includes an outstanding faculty, amazing leadership and a modern outlook; which makes Rutgers the highest-ranked college in New Jersey. Lastly, Rutgers University has a very diverse and heterogeneous student body, which I can relate to because I come from a very diverse background.
As we grow older, our goals and dreams change. From childhood, I have always dreamed of making a better world for children. Children around the world and in the United States are hungry, homeless, and uneducated. My dream is to open a school, which requires no tuition, for children of all ages. Allan Bloom, an American philosopher, says that education is the movement from darkness to light. As we educate our children, they shut the bars of prisons and open doors of possibility. But, without an a proper education, I will not achieve this goal. While researching colleges, I naturally picked Rutgers University as my first choice. I have always heard about the great programs the school has provided, so I went with my brother, a Rutgers student, to visit. I instantly fell in love with the environment, people, and location. I am from New York, so I enjoy the rush of everyday life. At that time, I knew that Rutgers was the place for me.
In high school, for my Special Topics In Life Science class, we were asked do a competition called the Young Science Achiever's Program. My group wanted to do something that will help our community and provide an example to the undergraduates. We picked a project which measured reaction time in a car with electronics. We used our students in the experiment and after they realized how much their reaction time was affected, they began to think twice about using a cell phone in their cars. After we won second in this tri-state competition, we created a short video to show the school our findings. I really felt as if this was a small step in helping my community. With my experience in this and several others competitions, I have recognized the need for a proper education to achieve my goals. I know Rutgers University is the only college that will provide me with the tools, so I can add my little bit to this world.
I'm sorry so much time went by before you got any help! I suggest enable instead of allow in that first sentence.
Also, that first sentence does NOT actually say anything. It is not effective, because all it really says is, "Rutgers has a good reputation."
That does not accomplish anything. You need the essay to begin with a sentence that catches the reader's attention by saying something specific... for example, what is the goal you want to achieve? It should not be general; it should be specific. In fact, I think it should also be practical rather than philosophical; be realistic, and focus on a meaningful contribution you want to make by taking specific action and working toward specific goals.
The first paragraph is like a brochure for the school.
I think this might be a good first sentence for the essay:
Allan Bloom, an American philosopher, says that education is the movement from darkness ...
I think it's important to envision your future and ask yourself what specific goals you want to achieve. That way, you can think about what makes Rutgers a better school for someone going after your particular goals. You write very well, but the essay reveals that you do not really have a plan. Or maybe you just did not write this in a way that reflected your plan. : -)
