Common App Personal Statement Essay
I finished writing my common app personal statement essay and I checked it over and over but I feel like I need to have an objective perspective in order to truly see that I answered my question correctly and appropriately. Here is the personal statement question as well as my essay. (Background: I left NYU b/c of academic dismissal + now I am at BCC doing well in school in the honors society and working part-time at a dental clinic + I hope to go to medical school eventually to become a doctor)
*Notes - I also wanted to check to see that I explained my situation accordingly. Maybe I shouldn't even mention it? Idk. Help!
Please provide a statement that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. You can type directly into the box, or you can paste text from another source. (250-650 words)
"Cuantos anos tienes?" I asked a young lady who seemed to be around my age. "Yo no se," she replied as she firmly held onto her baby, while her oldest child who seemed to be in elementary school took care of her two toddler brothers. I had asked her how old she was and this young lady had no clue. She was missing her four front teeth, her three children all had cavities, and they all had ashy dry skin. As a volunteer for Volunteers Around the World (VAW), a non-governmental organization affiliated with New York University (NYU), I quickly learned that the residents of the neighboring villages in San Pedro, Guatemala seemed to have no concept of time and no access to the benefits that would enable them to care for their physical or dental health.
After leaving NYU in 2014, I was able to solidify my new found passion; health sciences. The academic dismissal from NYU left me discouraged and apprehensive for my future. Despite the fallback, I mustered up the courage to push myself out of my thoughts of shame by working at a physician's office and interning at a non-profit organization, all the while exposing myself to the healthcare and science field. As a medical assistant at the physician's office, I was able to find my people-driven passion as I interacted with patients. I discovered the importance of my role in this field when patients began to request to be serviced by me. This made me realize that my joy in patient care was apparent during my patient interactions. Interning at a non-profit organization called Project Achieve taught me the significance of awareness, not only for HIV but for other diseases and infections as well. These experiences at different healthcare settings gave me great confidence and liking towards health sciences.
The medical trip to Guatemala with NYU VAW, gave me the final push on the decision to go to Bergen Community College (BCC) and transfer to a four year university. Attending Bergen Community College (BCC) with low to no expectations, I quickly gained great appreciation for learning. My first professor at BCC, Dr. Tartaglia, exuded diligence and efficiency with positive encouragements which resulted in my internalization of those traits and implementing them into my academic career at BCC. After graduating from BCC, I plan to transfer into a four year university that will provide me the rigor and challenge so that when I graduate with a bachelor's degree in science, I am well prepared for medical school.
Once I complete my undergraduate career, I hope to attend medical school and possibly graduate school for public health in order to learn more about how I can positively impact the healthcare field, whether it is in America or a small town in Guatemala. Transferring to a four year university will provide me a vast amount of opportunity in the research field and a myriad of challenging courses that will guide me in having a successful undergraduate academic career. Just as the lady from Guatemala had no concept of time, all along, I thought had no concept of time as well. However, I've learned and made the most of my time after NYU through my work experiences, volunteer services, and academic achievements, and intend to continue to be the successful student I presently am when I transfer to a four year university.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Esther, here is the thing, the personal statement is asking you to justify your academic reasons for wanting to transfer to this 4 year college. It doesn't really consider your academic dismissal from NYU as an extenuating factor in your desire to move from BCC to this university. Actually, the academic dismissal only relates to the move from NYU to BCC, which is your current university. Therefore, there should be a different reason for wanting to move to the new university, in relation to your academic training at BCC. I am not really clear as to what course you are hoping to enroll in at this particular university from BCC. Bachelor of Science is the degree, but what major are you aiming for? As a pre-med student, maybe, Biology? That is a discussion that you should develop in the essay.
In all honesty, the essay is a bit confusing in terms of purpose. You see, there is a reference to NYU, then a reference to transferring from BCC to another university, with you then referring to your graduation at BCC so that you can transfer to a 4 year university. You need to develop a more focused essay. One that clearly indicates a relationship between your studies at BCC and why you need to transfer to a 4 year university. If you are graduating from a community college, it would seem to me that you should not be doing a transfer essay but rather, a personal statement as incoming college freshman instead. After all, you have indicated that you will be graduating from BCC instead of transferring from BCC as an undergraduate.
Your objectives for transferring to the 4 year university are not clear at this point. You spend so much time discussing your professional background, the NYU experience, and the BCC education that you got, but fail to represent valid reasons for wanting to transfer to a 4 year college as a transfer student. The reviewer needs to see academic reasons for your transfer aside from personal sentiments.
@Holt
I don't know if you know but I am required to transfer from a community college regardless of my graduating from a community college. Community college students, if not all, graduate with an Associates first and then transfer to a 4 year university to get their Bachelors.
My reason for transferring is because I want to pursue Biology or Biochemistry and that is because of my desire to go into the pre-medicine track at a 4-year university since 2-year colleges don't offer that. 4 year universities have upper level science courses that 2 year universities don't offer. And to go to medical school, you need a Bachelors. Some schools have Biochemistry and some don't which was why I was not able to specify which major I specifically wanted to go into, since some schools I'm going for Biology and others, Biochemistry. The curriculums are very similar in many schools.
But I see what you mean with my discussing of my background more than what I want to achieve. Thank you for that feedback. I'll definitely have to work on that!
