I really need some comments on it. It is my true story but I don't know whether this essay will be too common.
I am aimming for some top schools like Columbia and I really want it to stand out! Help me!
Waiting in suspense, my heart thumped in impressive speed.
"Wow! Wow!". The crowd erupted in shouts of approval and thunderous applause upon the announcement of the winner. Tears of happiness began to stream down her face as the "Top Ten Singer Competition Cup" was presented to her.
Everything was so clear from my seat in the audience. My heart tremored, awe-struck by the determination and courage conveyed by her eyes. How fantastic it was to touch one's own dream with one's hands to show one's passion and capability!
However, standing in the center of spotlight was but a dream for me. Since youth, my diffidence, like a stumbling block, seems to have held me back at every last minute. In kindergarten, I forwent the opportunity to be the head violinist, despite being the best among peers. In elementary school, I never raised my hand to answer complex math questions even though the answer in my mind turned out to be right most of the time. In junior high, I had already made up my mind to join a debate competition, but as I was walking to submit my application, I turned around and crumpled it into the dustbin.
Everything seemed to have been a forgone conclusion--that I would remain a mediocre student of no significance throughout school and maybe even life! But, in that instant, as the winner of the singing competition received her prize, something inside me shouted out. I should not hold back my capabilities anymore! I want to shine out and explore my bigger world! I then did something I would never have done under normal circumstances-I signed up for the school's English Competition. Though I prepared elaborately, my brain blacked out as soon as I was on stage and the blinding lights pierced through my eyes. I was waiting for the flood of negative, discouraging emotions of loss, but stepping off the stage, I was far from despondent and dispirited. I felt refreshed for having taken the initiative and completed such a competition. Reflecting on the events on stage minute by minute, I was actually infatuated with the excitement and fulfillment from my brand new experience. Encouraged, I set out to test the bounds of my newfound adventurousness.
Every morning, sitting at my desk, I was like a parrot imitating the intonations and pronunciations of English tape recordings. I practiced looking natural and confident in front of the mirror, scrutinizing my every gesture, every wrinkle in my facial expressions, and every twitch of the eye. To face my nervousness of public speaking, I actively participated in our school's weekly English corner and engaged in speech class every Wednesday after school. We had to make speeches on a topic every other week in front of panel of judges comprising of teachers and all other students. During the first session, I was surprised to be praised for my good pronunciation and was advised to smile more to avoid seeming too serious. Inspired by the encouragement, I began to feel more comfortable in my own skin when making speeches on the podium. Rather than competing, I felt that I was just sharing my personal perspectives and presenting myself to peers. It became so natural that I was not even troubled with fear of losing any longer.
In tumultuous applause, she stepped on stage. The TV cameras, bright lights, packed audience, and stolid faces of the judges made for a tense environment. With a smile, she began...
Tears of happiness brimmed the girl's eyes as she was awarded the first prize cup of the national English Speaking Competition. This time the tears were my own.
I am no longer just a spectator in the audience. I am a warrior who has defeated her fear.
Besides the grammer mistakes, do you think there is something I can do better about the content?
Do you think my change is too sudden? I feel that my practice and the process that I gradually pick up my confidence are not fully developed in the passage. I don't know whether I should talk more about it because I think that should be the main body of this essay. What's your idea?
In elementary school, I never raised my hand to answer complex math questions even though the answer in my mind turned out to be right most of the time. In junior high, I had already made up my mind to join a debate competition, but as I was walking to submit my application, I turned around and crumpled it into the dustbin.
When I get to this part, it leaves me wondering, "What is the main point of all this?" It takes a long time to figure out the theme.
infatuated with the excitement and fulfillment ----infatuated means something like "obsessed with" and preoccupied with... maybe it is okay, but maybe you should change infatuated to "overwhelmed by"
This essay mostly just tells the story of your winning of the award. I think you should give some sentences at the end of the first and last paragraphs to express a TRUTH about life or about your purpose in life... something about your future... and how your future will be affected by this experience.
:-)
