Thank you very much for revising my draft...However, i feel i cannot create enough power while producing a lucid picture in the mind of the reader with that experience (in 625 words). I am still trying to make it work but I am also working on this one too. It was not the first time I thought about considering medicine as a career but was the eye-opener that led me on the path I am on today. I would appreciate the comments/input. Thanks again for your time.
At seventeen years of age, being asked to scrub in for a medical procedure by the head physician seems almost unreal. Especially, when there are resident doctors beside you looking for an opportunity to assist with the case. To observe a total hip replacement alongside a patient for the first time can be quite exhilarating. With sawing, grinding, and drilling going on, it can be easy to forget that a human is going through surgery. For someone who has never experienced a surgery case in their lifetime, they may start to believe the medical team resembles more of a human body mechanic than just having an advanced understanding in the subject of science. That entire day in the operating room was very special to me as we moved from one room to the next. Emotion began to make me believe someday I can become a part of a health care team who has the opportunity to replace a 91 year old woman's hip, so that she may live the rest of her life with a lesser amount of pain.
Hello, I had to move the essay to its own thread. Please start a new thread when you post a new essay. :-)
For someone who has never experienced a surgery case in their lifetime , they may start to believe the medical team may start to resemble more of a group of human body mechanics than just having rather than a group with advanced understanding in the subject of science.
Keep it "parallel" like this:
Early in the morning and late in the evening...
or
Early in the mornings and late in the evenings...
Many of my qualities interests could have taken me a thousand different directions , but it was health care that kept drawing me closer.
Good! This is very impressive. Even without these ideas I am offering, it is already very good!
Thank you very much for the input. I was not sure how this essay would look to the reader... Sorry for not creating a new thread. I will continue to work on this essay and post a new draft soon :)
while most of my friends began there their summer months of care free recreation or the excitement of getting their license, i discovered a whole new rush that changed my life indefinitely "---- well, this is not the best thing to do either, because it is sort of like bragging that you are better than them. You might do well to say something very sincere about what insight makes you think this is the most meaningful and fulfilling kind of work for you.
or...
As a high school student, being asked to scrub in for a...
This is all very impressive -- the writing and the accomplishments. I think it'll be well-received.
Tried to bring more impact to the introduction: intro #1 or #2?
intro #1- The high-pitched saw screamed as it descended. Shrilling sounds from the drill made the hair on my arms stand straight up. Louder and more impressive tools were passed to the center as the team worked together. The feeling in the room was calm but focused. Pieces were pulled out of the removed from the cavity as replacements were fit. Was I really watching a 71 year old women have her hip replaced? By the sounds and tools that were being used, one next door could easily mistake the work was being done on a car and not on a human being. I was puzzled but in complete awe. The amazement was something I had a hard time putting in to words as I tried to describe this experience to my family and friends. It was as if I just got off a thrilling roller coaster and was still on a huge high. My emotions began to make me believe someday I can become a part of a health care team who has the opportunity to play a role in improving someone's life.
intro #2- As a high school student, being asked to scrub in for a medical procedure by the head physician seems almost unreal. Especially when there are resident doctors beside you looking for an opportunity to assist with the case. To observe a total hip replacement for the first time was exhilarating. While sawing, grinding, and drilling was going on, it can be easy to forget that a human is going through surgery. For someone who has never experienced a surgery case, the medical team may start to resemble a group of human body mechanics rather than a group with an advanced understanding in the subject of science. The entire day in the operating room was very special to me as we moved from one room to the next. My emotions began to make me believe someday I can become a part of a health care team who has the opportunity to play a role in improving someone's life.
Considering most of my time spent with patients in health care has been as a volunteer, however; my experiences were have been very knowledgeable. Whether it was early in the morning or late in the evening, most of my observation and assistance was with physician assistants in the operating room. Each day we would visit patients submitted for surgery and follow up with them in post-op consults. Our duties were to make sure the patient and families felt prepared by reiterating the steps of their surgery and answering any questions they may have had. Through these experiences I learned more about the physician assistant role and the amount of contact they had with patients.
I am fortunate that I have developed lasting contacts through my rotations. These relationships have been informative toward my educational path and maturity. The passion found within health care became obvious when my physician assistant mentor could no longer influence my outlook on medicine. It was the patients that continued the fire inside me to become a physician assistant. Gaining their respect by listening, being able to treat their symptoms and providing myself as their medical resource, would be the ultimate satisfaction.
With more exposure, the vision of patient care became almost concrete as it seemed that physician assistants had a lasting relationship with patients and their families. Ms. Julie Cragholm PA-C, helped shed a new light to my passion. I had the opportunity to work as part of the medical team with her in an outpatient environment as well as observe her responsibilities in the hospital. While volunteering as a medical assistant, I was able to help Julie with her daily routine in the office. These experiences have taught me that medicine is more than just the science or art of healing. It is also about compassion and the sharing of knowledge with patients.
Many of my qualities and interests could have taken me a thousand different directions, but it was health care that kept drawing me closer. It is my life experience and clinical/surgical exposure which have provided the compass to guide me toward saving serving my community as a compassionate physician assistant. I would like nothing more than to begin my post-graduate training and continue to play a positive role in the lives of others
Hey, this is pretty impressive! I just noticed one small thing:
Shrilling Shrill sounds from the drill made...
I may be wrong.. I'm not sure. But I don't know about the word shrilling.
Oh.. nevermind! I just looked it up, and you are right. Thanks for teaching me a new word. This looks very good.
Intro one is very attention grabbing right from the start, something a lot of the readers will be looking for.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding this, but I think there might be a better way to word this:
Considering most of my time spent with patients in health care has been as a volunteer, however; my experiences were have been very knowledgeable
Although most of my time spent with patients has been as a volunteer, my experiences have been very informative.
