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Spending money; I realized that i used a lot of money for unnecessary things.


Dec 3, 2006   #1
hi all! i'm an international student in my college. I'm not good in writing essay in English. But i'd really like to learn how to write a perfect essay. I need a help for this essay. Because this essay is my final exam and it will be 30 points of my final grade. i've written this essay, but i think this essay really need to be revised. it is due in this Tuesday.

Spending money

I never thought that spending money was important until i got the college in the USA.Being a college student is the perdect time to start practicing smart spending money because it will prepare me for the real world afterward.

I realized that i used a lot of money for unnecessary things.For example: four weeks ago i bought two modern styled, fancy shoes instead of BUsiness's reference book.After the next day, i lied my parents that i bought school supplies. In fact, Business's reference book is more important for my study than fancy shoes which i can buy later.Now i understand that i have to decide how to spend my money smartly when my parents are not around me.

i think that to spend money is easier than to earn it.In this semester, i tutored College algebra to high school student for five days in a week.I earned a little amount of money.It was a little experience for to know that how it is diffucult to find money.

To study in the USA is more experience than in the MOngolia.For example: i bought my books for six hundred fifty three dollars. If i were in Mongolia, i would pay for my one year tuition.My parents are paying for all my college expenses. But i want to earn some money to spend living expenses by myself.

I don't earn any money and i spend it very badly.That's why i have to control myself when i spend my parent's money right way.At the end of my all thoughts.Spending money is the most important thing for me.

Dec 3, 2006   #2
and it will be my thesis. thank you for your reply. i didn't imagine that you replied so fast . I really appreciate
Greetings!

You have written a very honest essay that shows you are willing to learn from your mistakes. I will be glad to help you put it into proper English. Don't be too hard on yourself; you will get better and better as you practice writing and speaking. You are already good enough for me to understand exactly what you are trying to say in your essay!

First, a few words of general advice: When you are typing the final copy, be sure to watch for things like capitalizing "I" every time you use it and putting a space after every period before you start a new sentence.

OK, now let's look at it line-by-line:

"I never thought that spending money was important until i got the college in the USA."

Change "i got the college" to "I got to college."

"Being a college student is the perdect time to start practicing smart spending money because it will prepare me for the real world afterward."

How about: "College is the perfect time . . . " I think that "perdect" was probably a typo.

"For example: four weeks ago i bought two modern styled, fancy shoes instead of BUsiness's reference book."

Use a comma instead of a colon, and change the wording. "For example, four weeks ago I bought a pair of modern, fancy shoes instead of buying the reference book I needed for my business class."

"After the next day, i lied my parents that i bought school supplies."

Change this to: "The next day, I lied to my parents and said that I bought school supplies."

"In fact, Business's reference book is more important for my study than fancy shoes which i can buy later."

You are very close to correct with this sentence, but it would be better as: "In fact, the business reference book is more important to my studies than fancy shoes, which I can buy later."

"Now i understand that i have to decide how to spend my money smartly when my parents are not around me."

"Wisely" would be a better word choice than "smartly," although "smartly" is OK.

"i think that to spend money is easier than to earn it."

This sentence is fine (except for needing a capital "I"), but you should use it to start a new paragraph.

"In this semester, i tutored College algebra to high school student for five days in a week.

This sentence would be better if you said, "This semester, I tutored high school students in college algebra five days a week." You don't need to capitalize "college" unless you are naming a specific one.

"It was a little experience for to know that how it is diffucult to find money."

Try this way: "It was a good experience to learn how difficult it is to earn money." Notice how I spelled "difficult."

"To study in the USA is more experience than in the MOngolia."

I think you meant to say "expensive" rather than "experience." Also, it would sound better as: "Studying in the USA is more expensive than in Mongolia." You usually don't need to put "the" in front of the name of a country, unless you're talking about someplace like The Netherlands.

"For example: i bought my books for six hundred fifty three dollars."

Again, I would use a comma instead of a colon. (Wow! It's amazing how much textbooks cost these days!)

"If i were in Mongolia, i would pay for my one year tuition."

Congratulations on saying "If I were" instead of "if I was"! A lot of native English speakers get confused about that one, but you got it right. However, the rest of the sentence needs to say, "it would pay for one year's tuition."

"My parents are paying for all my college expenses. But i want to earn some money to spend living expenses by myself."

These two sentences can be combined: "My parents are paying for all my college expenses, but I want to earn some money for expenses myself." I changed the wording a little at the end so that "living expenses" didn't need to be repeated.

"That's why i have to control myself when i spend my parent's money right way."

I think you are trying to say, "That's why I have to control myself and spend my parents' money the right way." Notice that the apostrophe goes after the "s" in "parents'"; this is the proper placement when you are doing the possessive form of more than one person or thing. "Parent's" refers to only one person, like saying "my father's money."

"At the end of my all thoughts.Spending money is the most important thing for me."

Since this is your final sentence, summing up what you've said and telling what you've learned, you may want to rewrite it. As it is, it sounds as though spending is still the most important thing to you, and I don't think that's what you meant to say. Maybe something like, "The most important thing I have learned is that spending money wisely pays off in the end." Or something like that.

I really admire your desire to learn to write well in English. That's why I've not only told you what needs changing, but why. Learning to think logically about what you are saying in a foreign language is difficult, but it gets easier over time. And, of course, a lot of it is just learning the idioms, exceptions to the rules, and the unexplainable weird things (of which English has plenty!). Good luck, and keep up the good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
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Dec 5, 2006   #4
thank you so much
Dec 7, 2006   #5
today my professor showed my essay and she said that it is perfect but it is short. and i need to add some more paragraph here. and it will be due at noon today. Please help me to revise it

Thank you!

It means that I need to be more careful of how I spend my money in order to be able to save it.
I think spending money wisely links saving money in college.
In last month, I made a spending plan to control spending by discovering how much money I have spent already and how much is available for me. When I reviewed my spending plan, I knew that I saved a little amount of money. I really enjoyed my savings when I compared my actual spending to my spending plan. And I want to look for alternative ways to increase savings. That really helps me to spend my money wisely. For example, if I did not make any spending plan to control my spending, I would not save seventy two dollars for the last month. The result was so amazing that I never expected to be. Spending plan encourages me to save money and spend money wisely. Also, it helps me to understand how to easy it is to save money.

At the end of my all thoughts, the most important thing I have learned is that spending money wisely pays off in the end.


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