Hello guys! I have chosen to pose a question of my own. And I finished the essay but am not sure if there is any grammatical error. Plus, I would be very grateful to receive your feedbacks if possible. This is a really non-mainstream essay. Thank you for reading it!
Topic: Write an essay to "YOU". And who would "YOU" be?
That morning the sun had not yet risen from the horizon. I was running on those golden stones, almost blundering. Tears blinded my eyes. The wind bit with a sharp edge. And the air smelled desperate. Then suddenly I heard my name and looked back. And there-
I wrote down your name on my notebook. But you were enveloped by the crowd the moment I looked up to call you. Then I realized we would never have a chance to see each other again. I know you could never be saved by me alone. But still I have to meet you. I have to at least remember you.
I have spent my life delineating your face, imagining you as a tiny figure who woked, sang and laughed in that gorgeous Innisfree. But everytime I look down at your name and try to trace you, I hear your voice permeated with pain. And every moment I close my eyes, wishing I could ever see you again, that scent of despair just flooded in.
Then I still continue yet, letting that fantasy go beyond me. I think about if I were you. I were you as the soldier boy who woke up from his sleepless sleep every morning, stimulated feelings by heroin or morphine, and died with nothing but bullets and guns. I were you as the Year Six girl who wished herself a white Christmas, said goodbye to her mummy, and was abducted and never able to go home. I were you as the man in slavery who was offered little food and rest, waded in water poisoned by mercury, and was trapped to live in the shadows without the sun. I were you as one of the hundreds of thousands of names poping out everyday in news under the headline of "The Dead" or "Need Help". I try to understand the life you are in. I try to picture the heartbreaks you go through. I try to be linked with real stories that day by day come over me.
But I am not you. I am not you. I live in air-conditioned houses. I have safety-ensured food and water. I study languages and science. I read Plato and watch Bergman. I plan to go to Chicago and be a part of my dream university. And I used to take all my life as granted as if everyone lived it. But you changed me. I didn't remember how and when I met you, yet I remember your name-Fellow. You reminded me that literally, I never become economist or politician. I am human. Before knowledge exists already cements my original emotions and senses. When you suffer, I should feel compassion, rage and guilty very first. Not to turn a blind eye to you. Not to shut my door to you. Not to let you perish or faint away.
And with the light in your eyes, I still believe in the hope of us saving you. Because you are the answer to all the questions we asked: Why democracy matters? For whom we shall fight? What changes the world? You are the key to the problem we long to solve-how the development of our society will eventually keep pace with that of our economy. And it is because that you believe that one day we will shed light of understanding, cast away hatred and revenge, question our core beliefs and responsibilities that we finally will. And I promise that you won't wait long. We won't let you. So if my fantasy keeps going, it would be you appearing on the horizon over Innisfree, and finally come over to hug me.
Topic is confusing. could it be write a letter to you or something else. the topic doesn't hint at what the essay is about. make it clear if you taking this risk; don't leave anything to chance
First 2 sentence contains lots of imagery, but i was confused about who was crying and who was doing the calling because in the next sentence you used i and the previous sentence you used me.
The fourth and fifth paragraph have different identity and can't tell which is which.
It is very confusing to be honest, maybe if made your character more distinctive, it would be easier to relate.
Thank you, zdv! I will try to make it a little more "normal". And your advice helps me a lot! Actually I tried to combine a letter with a fiction. But being too confusing doesn't seem to work as well as I expected. O(âŠ_âŠ)O~
