Hello everybody..
Please check my statement of purpose for the University of Minnesota. I am exceeding the characters limit by 62. Pls let me know wat should I do ! I am planning to submit my essay by 10th dec. deadline is 15th of dec.
Thanks.
I like to think of people dealing with business and finance as Doctors of Money; they study the gross anatomy of funds, understand its organization at the macroscopic level and then delve deep into the finer details. Finally, they locate and isolate the problematic organ and make necessary cuts and stitches to augment profit and deduct loss. And it is this kind of doctor that I have chosen to be; one that every other person, irrespective of vocation, inexorably relies on.
I was born with a condition known as Spina Bifida (meaning, a split spine) and this condition undoubtedly ...
SEE BEOW
Use a comma for compound sentences:
I was born with a condition known as Spina Bifida (meaning, a split spine), and this condition...
It is not quite right to say the opportunities are little. They are few.
Also, the opportunities open for the disabled in Saudi Arabia are scarce -- even nonexistent in some regions.
In conclusion, I wish to cite from an excerpt I once ... wait, was it an excerpt, or was it something else?
In conclusion, I wish to cite some words by [name of author], who writes, "It is a waste of time to be angry about my disability. One has to get on with life and I haven't done badly. People won't have time for you if you are always angry or complaining."
Or you can write ... cite an adage by an unknown sage: "It is a waste..."
And the comma-compound sentence thing again here: This stuck with me , and this is how I have lived my life so far.
I think this essay should be enough to get into University of Minnesota, but to make it better than what it is, think not essay. This is not an essay. It is more of a story. Think fiction, a narrative fiction. It's fun writing, something readers would enjoy, as in it's like a fictional book. You do that part well, but onto the second part. The second task is tricky and what makes the difference between a personal statement and a really good personal statement. Underneath this narrative of your life [which is now as fun filled as an action packed movie] are defining points of who you are. The effect should feel like ripples under the water, it's so obviously there that the reader can easily pick it out, but it's not trying so hard as an essay to point them out by saying here's who I am: point one, point two, etc.
What you do is: slap them across the face with who you are. "However, I am confident that my level of dependability and trustworthiness has increased significantly following the given setbacks." bluntness is good, now add that into good literature. I would do that by doing something I tell almost everyone: give them a nice in depth example. don't worry about putting more words in, just fluff it up. then segway smoothly into something like "I have been able to do ___ and ___ kind of like a victory statement of what you did." You can then add if you want a "Now I face problems without fear but anxiously look to overpower them with my sheer will or something" idk. that obviously didn't work as well as I hoped it would, but there you have it.
I just gave up on the conclusion, not because of the writing, but because I wanted to get this out before I forget: your examples dont link together whatsoever. they should bridge together one with another and complement each other. Your structure is also off. What should be in the conclusion is awkwardly positioned. Just work on finding examples from each that carry over or are significantly related to each other in each charateristic you want to make, then rearrange the structure, and I think you should have a promising essay. plenty of material for work, each of the points you bring up [slip backbone, grades, dad] all are enough in themselves for a personal statement.
