Hi I was wondering if I could receive some feedback on my college essay, any comments/help welcomed and appreciated!!!!
Splash! It was the unforgettable summer of 1996 when the liquid, never ceasing to amaze me, returned. The substance appeared as familiar as an old friend, but the sounds and emotions of thrill and adventure associated with it- completely new. After spending countless childhood summer days at Aronimink Golf Club immersed in the water of the baby-pool, exploring and learning, I soon longed for more. Leaning over the edge, gazing at the immense lap-pool ahead of me, I remember eagerly wishing to race through the water just as the "big kids" did; yet one obstacle hindered me from fulfilling this desire- my "floaties", my safety net. After liberating myself from this protection, I - now vulnerable and defenseless, plunged off the block into the deep waters. As I penetrated through the surface of the water, I was released of the apprehensions I once held; I was fearless. My inseparable bond with the water had begun.
"Eight glasses a day, Taylor", I recall, from my earliest memory, my mother's persistent nagging. Then, around the age of five, my attitude changed as I soon discovered my mother's fixation on the liquid could be used to my advantage. Pleading "Mom, I'm thirsty, I need water" just moments after bedtime became my escape-plan, and when flawlessly executed, my chance at catching a glimpse of the newest episode of Full House. However, as I turned six that year and my bed time was graciously extended, my reliance on water had faded.
As I began my four-year journey at Villa Maria Academy and experienced firsthand the pressure and stress of high school which my siblings had warned me of, the role of water in my life intensified. It no longer functioned as a diversion, or even as a mere form of recreation- it became my escape, my entrance into a world of endless freedom and possibility. In the pool, the demands and stress of balancing an upcoming AP Chemistry test or an approaching yearbook deadline left me, as the water instilled in me a newfound sense of clarity. Whether I was a freshman contemplating whether to join Student Council or the lacrosse team, or a junior deciding on the perfect prom date, the water somehow always provided me with the solutions.
Splash! The easily recognizable sound of water engulfs my ears; but now, it is as I plunge into the water for my first rescue as a lifeguard at Whiteland Woods Pool. The splash is no longer a sound of excitement or bliss, but one of pressure and responsibility. The water, once my escape and strength, emerges as an opponent, challenging me to act as, it truly becomes a matter of survival, of life or death.
H2O, Dihydrogen Oxide, Water: the simplest of compounds made of two of the most basic chemical elements, who would have thought of the impact that this seemingly insignificant natural resource could have on my life? Today, as I gaze into the pool, it dawns on me that in the water I can now see a reflection of myself. As I stare into this substance which has guided me in my self-discovery, our similarities become crystal clear. I, like the water, am encouraging and nurturing, yet independent and powerful. While my strengths at times may be overlooked, I should not be underestimated- I am capable of having immense impact on the world.
Hi Taylor
While your essay has an interesting theme, I was disappointed with some of your word choices. For example, "liquid", "substance", etc.
the role of water in my life intensified
Can you write this differently?
the water somehow always provided me with the solutions.
You could write it like, "somehow water always helped me to think clearly."
who would have thought of the impact that this seemingly insignificant natural resource could have on my life?
I don't think you need a rhetorical question in this essay. The fact that you are writing an essay on water is enough to create the desired effect.
Good luck!
As I penetrated through the surface of the water, I was released relieved of the apprehensions I once held; I was fearless. --- very cool concept.
This essay needs some sentences to establish a clear theme, though. It is hard to understand because it has no thesis statement. No, I take that back! You do a good job of explaining the theme. However, I got confused when I thought the essay was about a particular summer. It actually is about the role played by water in your life. I think you should not give the mention of the summer of 96 such a prominent place at the start of the essay. Start the essay with a sentence about water, not a particular summer. That will make it clearer.
You should google this:
how to write good topic sentences
The first sentence of a paragraph can give the main idea of that paragraph, and this idea will be reinforced during the paragraph.
:-)
okay thanks so much for the feedback!
I originally had the essay in chronological order, it started with the rhetorical sentence about water
H2O, Dihydrogen Oxide, Water: the simplest of compounds made of two of the most basic chemical elements, who would have thought of the impact that this seemingly insignificant natural resource could have on my life?
then i went into the whole my mom's obsession w/ water.. swimming as a child.. swimming in hs... then lifeguard. my english teacher told me that it would be more interesting if i didn't do it in chronological order? what do you think? and also any feedback on the theme itself, I could rewrite it i'm not sure if it comes across as a bizzarre topic?
thanksss!
EF_Kevin
okay thanks so much for the feedback!
I originally had the essay in chronological order, it started with the rhetorical sentence about water
H2O, Dihydrogen Oxide, Water: the simplest of compounds made of two of the most basic chemical elements, who would have thought of the impact that this seemingly insignificant natural resource could have on my life?
then i went into the whole my mom's obsession w/ water.. swimming as a child.. swimming in hs... then lifeguard. my english teacher told me that it would be more interesting if i didn't do it in chronological order? what do you think? and also any feedback on the theme itself, I could rewrite it i'm not sure if it comes across as a bizzarre topic?
thanksss!
a bizzarre topic?
That's the best kind of topic!
You had a great idea.. it is interesting that water became symbolic of something in your life. Is there a word that is perfect for capturing what it represents?
Okay... I see the coolness of your teacher's idea. Why use chronological order? Use an order that accommodates your purpose, which is to give the reader an experience. Share your experience by using rhythmic sentences and good imagery words.
Each paragraph can begin with a sentence that puts a vision or feeling in the reader's mind.
:-)
