This is my Common App essay. Does anyone see the symbolism with the hair? Does this portray my outgoing, hard-working, respecting personality? Be honest!! Thank you all for looking over this :) I'm applying to 8 schools by November 1st--Your help with be GREATLY appreciated! The topic is: "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you"
Title: He Spoke
"May I speak with your manager please?" The man behind the counter appeared thirtyish, his full figure daubed in soot and white button-down speckled in sauce. Offering a handshake, he replied,
"You're talking to him. I'm Rich-you must be Kristen. Follow me please." I slapped on a smile, the aroma of fresh-baked pizza tantalizing me. My incentive was employment: a simple summer career to impress my peers and earn dough to waste on drive-in movies and Chipotle. With each step, my itch to kick off my high heels progressed.
Showing me outside, Rich motioned me toward the curb of the pavement. We sat and he initiated his lecture on the antiquity of his restaurant, its undertakings, and why his parlor baked the most astonishing pizza ever. I incessantly reacted as though I was captivated with Rich's every syllable. However, my concentration fixated on the breeze that constantly jostled my hair into my face-bothered, I slicked it into a ponytail.
"Now, just listen." Rich re-claimed my attention. "You can live in Beverly Hills, raise the most handsome children. You can have a Ferrari and lead weekly tea gatherings. However, do these elegances necessarily mean happiness?" The wind unrelentingly shoved my curls around, and I noiselessly pressed it to end its ribbing. Pausing, Rich questioned, "Kristen, are you happy?" My automated response kicked in with the conventional nod and grin. "You're happy with the life you lead?"
"Yes, sir." My conscience conjectured his motives-these were not the type of demands I had rehearsed to answer. Not satisfied with either response, Rich continued to probe,
"Kristen, if you want this job, you need to answer one question. Ignore everything your teachers told you to say. Disregard what your parents expect you to state. Kristen, who are you?"
My thoughts slammed on the brakes; who am I? A voiceless minute passed. Autumn's breath whistled in my ear and sustained to play with my hair. As remembrances flashed I recognized there was so much-so much to reflect. Emotions swerved, making a head-on collision with reality. I couldn't comprehend how a man I had just met made me meditate so deeply and doubt the track I followed. Then, in my quiet, God spoke for me.
"Who am I?" Rich's gaze expressed his patience. "I'm the girl everyone looks to be peppy and good-humored constantly. I try too hard at everything for reasons unknown. I live up to other people's expectations because I don't know what would happen if I didn't. I don't know what I want. There's a box I'm trapped inside of, hiding me. But I want out. I want out of my textbook life. I crave unpredicted troubles and blessings thrown at me, to free myself of these standards. Actuality is begging me to join her and live. I want to find myself."
God pushed his winds at me again and reality endorsed me. I pulled out my ponytail, and finally let my hair flow free.
I really like this! You definitely hit homerun on hair symbolism (love it), "out-going" and "respecting". Yet in my opinion, the second paragraph where you mention "drive-in movies" and "chipotles" makes you like a little bit disdainful rather than "hard-working". But your essay is truly beautiful!!
