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"Sports, Dedication", personal talent/quality


dreamcatcher 3 / 3  
Nov 13, 2010   #1
#2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishmentmakes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

A man can only be beaten in two ways: if he gives up, or if he dies. I was never fully mature enough to understand how important the value of dedication was until late in my freshman year. Students at my school specialized in visual and performing arts, sports, and clubs while I passively went on day by day asking myself 'what am I doing?' After my freshman year, I decided to be someone by playing football, joining track, and eventually entering a club. I started to connect and meet with devoted individuals, like my future teammates. I realized that pursuing a goal meant more than understanding what it was. You had to make it revolve around your life.

Sports have taught me more about perseverance. "Hell Week" for football was my first test in my ability to respond in the face of an obstacle. Baking in the 102 degree summer heat, I marveled as my fellow teammates and I pushed through another grueling day of conditioning and practice, realizing that we relied on each other. We encouraged each other by motivating and cheering for those finishing laps around the scorching field. It was torture, but I knew that this exhausting work to perform at my absolute best would eventually pay off when the football season started.

Unfortunately we were not competitive enough in the A-league and had a record of 1-9 during my junior year. During this season, I became a gracious winner and respectful loser. It was no surprise that nobody dropped out of the team in the middle of the season because we stayed together, determined to play as a team. I believe this created a bond that made us greater my senior year which put us in a position for a league championship this year.

As I write so enthusiastically about sports, it may seem odd that I will be focusing on biology and dentistry for my higher education. On the contrary, sports have taught me to never quit or cut corners and my enjoyment of team sports is matched by my interest in the sciences. I live in San Jose; the heart of Silicon Valley where surrendering is not an option. Having the desire to succeed is in the DNA of our most accomplished and inspirational leaders like former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman or the late Pat Tilman. Even my parents, who originated in Vietnam, did not abandon their pursuit of freedom in the wake of a war that was consuming their country. My father was able to learn English, attend college in New Jersey, and start his own business in San Jose. If he was able to achieve this feat, I should have no excuse to not take full advantage of the opportunities being granted by schools. Being committed and passionate about interests are values that I now believe are necessary for success. I no longer find myself asking "what am I doing?" instead, it's "where am I going?"
macbookpro 2 / 3  
Nov 14, 2010   #2
I believe this created a bond that made us greater my senior year, which put us in position for league championship.

Sports have taught me to never quit or cut corners for my enjoyment of team sports is matched to my interest in science; thus, I will be focusing on biology and dentistry for my higher education.

I live in San Jose; the heart of Silicon Valley where surrendering is not an option. (somewhat irrelevant. The reader may not know where san jose is and thus create a question such as "so what?")

My father was able to learn English, attend college in New Jersey, and start his own business in San Jose. If he was able to achieve this feat, I should have no excuse to not take full advantage of the opportunities being granted by schools. (this sentence might impress the reader more about your father rather than you. You are trying to sell YOURSELF!"

great ending! :)
OP dreamcatcher 3 / 3  
Nov 14, 2010   #3
thanks for the input! i read your essay and i thought it was great if not inspiring
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 24, 2010   #4
Sports have taught me more about perseverance.

Try not to ever start a paragraph with a boring sentence. This sentence is boring because it does not have any interesting idea or colorful words... it is just a common, not-very-surprising sentence.

So, especially at the beginning of a paragraph try to give the most interesting sentences of the essay. Like this one:
I realized that pursuing a goal meant more than understanding what it was. ---that is an interesting sentence.

The VERY interesting sentence that begins your essay establishes a very serious mood... death is even mentioned... and that makes it seem anticlimactic when you start talking about freshman year visual art. I have an idea... I think you should try moving that serious opening sentenced to the END of the essay instead as a thought to leave with the reader.

This sentence needs revision: You had to make it revolve around your life.----- a common expression is that someone's life "revolves around" something. I think this is the right way: "You have to make your life revolve around it."


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