Instructions: Please write an essay, approximately 500-700 words (typically one page) in length on one of the following topics. Check the box for your topic.
Prompt: USC's speaker series What Matters to Me and Why asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
Birthdays are filled with celebrations and people gathering together to commemorate a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance's special day. On my birthday, April 3rd, 2007, my special day was unlike any other birthday a teenage girl had experienced. Instead of celebration, I got sympathy; Instead of joy, I got tears.
The morning of my birthday, I woke up extra early to pack my gym bag and head to the gym for our basketball team's annual tournament. The foggy San Francisco weather was gloomy and the mist was so overwhelming that our family car's headlights could barely break through it. However, I was in such high spirits that not even the terrible San Francisco weather could shatter it. As we rolled up to the parking lot of Lowell High School, the fog was starting to clear up, and I can almost sense the sun breaking through the clouds and pushing away the gloominess. I was ready for a wonderful birthday and a great game.
The game started off as any other basketball game, we were playing the competitive San Jose Ninjas and both teams were getting very frustrated with each other. It was the 3rd quarter of the game, and I had finally made a successful steal from the Ninjas and was sprinting down the court on a fast break. Little did I know, two other Ninja girls, twice the size of me, had sandwiched me, and both were attempting to whack the ball out of my hands. However, I was persistent and was determined to outrun them and possibly make a remarkable shot. My stubbornness and lack of judgment lead me into a series of events that truly changed my life. As one of the Ninja girls next to me was running, she tripped over herself and made a face plant on the floor. I quickly accessed the situation and saw it to be a great opportunity to speedily blow past the fallen Ninja player. However, I had completely forgotten about the other Ninja player whom was still attempting to steal the ball from me. During our high speed run, she slightly nudged me, and I fell over the already fallen Ninja girl's body and tearing my ACL and Meniscus. The series of events that preceded this injury is now such a blur, I can still feel the pain and frustration now as I did 4 years ago as I was lying on the court drenched in sweat and tears.
Following my ACL reconstruction surgery, I was to attend 9 months of rehabilitation and was mandated to restrain from any physical activities, including basketball, during this period of time. The physical and emotional struggle to keep up with my friends as they continued to play games, sports, and other enjoyable activities kept me motivated to rehabilitate harder. The gruesome physical therapy was difficult and tedious. I had to re-strengthen my entire right leg and re-learn how to walk. Many once simple tasks such as taking a shower or getting out of bed had become now very difficult. I was always reliant on my parents or sister to help me, I felt like a 90 year old woman. The 9 months had been a constant emotional struggle, I had so much resentment for the Ninja team, so much anger at my coach for pressuring me to keep running, but most of all I was angry at myself for making such rash decisions. I truly began to lose myself in anger and pushed myself further away from my friends and family.
Quickly after my 9 months were over, I was right back on the court and working extra hard to prove myself. I expected to pick up where I left off, and still be one of the star players on the team. However, 9 months off of basketball truly hurt my basketball skills and I constantly found myself struggling to relearn old techniques that I once regarded as second nature. I kept getting frustrated at myself for not being able to catch passes, or not making my free throws. However I was determined to continue with basketball and regain my respect back on the court.
Two years after my injury, I was still struggling to catch up to the rest of my teammates. I still worked harder than everybody else. In my efforts to prove myself during practice, I injured my other knee and tore my other ACL. However, I refused to show any signs of weakness and continued to play through the injury. From practice to practice, my knee kept getting worse and worse, until one day I simply couldn't jump up for a shot anymore. I was forced to have another surgery. I had injured my knee beyond return, and though I had surgery, my doctor strongly discouraged me from playing competitive basketball. I saw my world crashing down after my doctor's news, I was forced to give up the only life I truly loved, and put a halt on athletics.
Looking back on my basketball experience, I can surely say that my struggle has shaped me into the mature young woman I am today. Through ending my journey in the world of basketball, I have been given the opportunity to pursue other passions I have. I entered into the Miss Teen Chinatown Pageant, joined many school clubs, volunteered within my church, and studied abroad in England. My experience in competitive basketball has given me a sturdy framework in other aspects of my life, and has inspired me to pursue a career in Sports Medicine where I can help other athletes pursue their dreams.
This is my first draft, and I know there are many errors. I was hoping to get some feedback to begin with before I edit it. Also, this surpasses the word count, so I will be needing to cut some parts out. If you have any suggestions where i should elaborate less would be great. Any feedback would be great! Thanks
Walter, now that I have seen your writing I know you have more to contribute than this! How about some feedback? :-)Instead of celebration, I got sympathy; Instead of joy, I got tears.
Very intriguing start!
Little did I know, two other Ninja girls, twice the size of me, had sandwiched me, and both were attempting to whack the ball out of my hands. --- I don't know if "little did I know" is the right phrase to use here...
I'll add a hyphen here...and some commas
Many once-simple tasks, such as taking a shower or getting out of bed, had become
now very difficult.
Hey Vivian, just like cutting players from a team, you have to cut the sentences that do not help to accomplish your GOAL. When you write, you should have a goal. For this kind of essay, it is important to make the reader think something particular about you... what is the goal? That is how to know what to cut out.
I think you can give more reflection on "what is important and why"... save some room at the end to discuss this a little more. :-)
Hey Kevin, thanks for the suggestion. I am currently reworking my essay and am stuck at the part where I describe my injury. This is what I have so far:
The morning of my birthday, I woke up extra early to pack my gym bag and head to the gym for our basketball team's annual tournament. The game started off as any other basketball game, we were playing the competitive San Jose Ninjas and were in the mist of the final minutes of the game. It was the 4th quarter of the game, and I had finally made a successful steal from the Ninjas and was sprinting down the court as fast as my legs could carry me. However, alongside of me were two other Ninja girls, both were attempting to whack the ball out of my hands like hyenas fighting for their prey. However, I was persistent and determined to outrun them as a gazelle outruns a cheetah, and possibly make a remarkable shot. As one of the Ninja girls next to me was running, she tripped and involuntarily fell to the ground. I quickly accessed the situation and saw it to be a great opportunity to speedily blow past the fallen Ninja player. However, I had completely forgotten about the other Ninja player whom was still attempting to steal the ball from me. During our high speed run, she slightly nudged me, and I fell over the already fallen Ninja girl's body resulting in my right leg being trapped between the two Ninja girls, and tearing my ACL and Meniscus. The series of events that preceded this injury is now such a blur, I can still feel the pain and frustration now as I did 4 years ago as I was lying on the court drenched in sweat and tears.
I had deleted the entire 2nd paragraph because I did not feel like it was important in telling my story. I am trying to recreate this event in such a way in which the reader will be fully engaged and feel like he/she was there to witness it. Any suggestions?
You are doing great. If you want to make it seem real to the reader, use more imagery words. Orange, sharp, rough, sour smell of sweat... imagery words are words that affect the senses (not just vision but all senses).
Also, get rid of involuntarily, because it is not necessary.
Here is a run on sentence for you to fix! ---->The game started off as any other basketball game, we were playing the competitive San Jose Ninjas and were in the mist of the final minutes of the game.
:-)
