Hey guys! Here is a really rough draft of an essay that could potentially be used for my Common Application. (This is not my final essay and I am still in the process of writing other ones.) This essay would probably fall under the "significant experience" topic choice. Please be brutally honest and tell me what you think. Let me know if it's just plain average or if it's utter bull even. Tell me also if I sound unoriginal and pretentious (but I assure you, I tried to be as honest as I could possibly could.. I just hope it translates into my writing). Anyway, thank you for all the help. Looking forward to reading your comments and suggestions!
A low buzz of voices fills the room as the audience starts to pour in. Backstage, people are running frantically back and forth; some retouching their lip gloss, others rehearsing their lines one last time. As all the hubbub carries on, I sit there quietly in a corner, making the sign of the cross and offering up all of this to Him. I take a peek at the audience and see that everyone is almost seated - it is a full house. Someone from the technical team shouts "We've got five minutes!" I take a deep breath which helps me overcome my pre-show jitters. The auditorium is pitch black as the house lights are switched off. The crowd, as if on cue, goes silent, excited for what they are about to see. It is indeed ShowTime. Finally, the spotlight shines.
However, it is not I standing beneath that solitary light.
All my life, I have been a Performer; but I continued to sit there backstage, praying and hoping for the best for my friend out on stage, because that time, I was the Director - of my class's Sophomore Musical to be exact. I knew what it was like to have one's moment: that adrenaline that pumps through your veins as you have your own solo, that nerve-racking yet exhilarating feeling of being the singular sensation up there on that stage, that irreplaceable feeling of accomplishment and euphoria once the audience cheers and applauds your performance. There was definitely nothing like having your time to stand out. However I knew that my own time under that spotlight had already ended and now, it was time to shine it on others.
For the longest time, I thought being a director meant having the privilege to boss people around and occasionally yell out "And 5, 6, 7, 8!!" However, through the sophomore musical experience, it dawned upon me that being a director was not just about being a leader but more so, being a servant-leader. What I have failed to recognize over the years was that holding positions of power and greatness ties you inexplicitly to being a leader and being a leader entails sacrifice, patience, and most importantly, service. Yes, you may hold the steering wheel and call out the orders but remember it is your responsibility to everyone on the galley to commandeer the journey towards accomplishment and get each person to her desired destination; despite all the blisters you get on your hands, you can never let go of the wheel.
And ever since that experience, I never did let go of the wheel. I continued to seek for more ships to steer because these responsibilities taught me to become one who was selfless. Instead of devoting all of my time and efforts towards getting me where I wanted to, I decided to not just take the step forward alone but with other people, hand in hand. I started out small with my own class by becoming their Class President. And then, by becoming the Batch Representative for the socio-civic org, Bata-Batuta, I tried to see what aid I could give those not only in my batch or in my school even but rather to the less fortunate children outside the brick walls of Woodrose. By junior year, I took one of the biggest responsibilities of all by accepting the offer to become Woodrose's first ever third year Editor-in-Chief of the school paper.
Although I could just as easily take center stage all to myself and devote all my efforts towards my own personal goal, I continue to choose to take the more difficult task of staying behind the scenes and choreographing the whole show. After all, I would rather get to the top bringing all the people I can along with me rather than reaching the peak and having no one to share the view with. And besides, after awhile, the spotlight can get pretty blinding - might as well shine it on others rather than soaking up all the luminosity and losing your sight in the process.
The "Servant-leader" gave me a negative connotation. perhaps you can word that in another manner. the analogy with the ship is excellent! "And besides, after awhile, the spotlight can get pretty blinding - might as well shine it on others rather than soaking up all the luminosity and losing your sight in the process." <--- but this essay is about showing your best qualities.
Use a comma for separating dialogue from the rest of the sentence:
Someone from the technical team shouts, "We've ...
This has a great theme, and I like the weirdly interesting last sentence of the essay.
I guess the way to improve it is to decide what message you want the reader to remember and make that message very clear. When you describe prayer, it makes it seem like the essay is about spirituality; when you describe "showtime," it makes it seem like the essay is about theater arts; there are lots of little ideas that try to be the theme, but you get to choose one theme that you should preserve while cutting out all other distracting details. Let your theme stand alone, surrounded only by ideas that support it.
:-)
Thanks for your comments Kevin and Ravnnet!
The theme and overall message of my essay is leadership. It's about how through my becoming director for my school's Sophomore Musical, I was able to learn what it truly means to be a leader - that it's not just a position of power and it's not something you do for yourself but rather a position that requires you to be of service to others.
I'm currently rewriting this essay and I've considered your advice and comments. Hopefully, the theme of my essay will be clearer.
Oh, do you guys think that the tone of this essay is too egotistic? A friend of mine said it was. Please be honest with me and tell me if it does sound a tad bit cocky.
Thanks so much for all your help! :)
Instead of capitalizing "performer" put it in " " marks like I did here. That will show introspection rather than self-aggrandizement.
Also:
Although I could just as easily take center stage all to myself and devote all my efforts towards my own personal goal, I continue to choose to take the more difficult task of staying behind the scenes and choreographing the whole show. This sentence is probably not very helpful. I did not think anything of it until you raised this concern about seeming egotistical. Just replace this sentence with a sentence that says something humble. :-)
