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Square ONE - Common app essay suggestions

Daisy7703 1 / -  
Dec 31, 2019   #1


(This is a first draft, please provide suggestions)

Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

At the age of 15, I tried to kill myself.
The reason however I am afraid would be misunderstood by some. I have always wanted to become great, you know the type of people who think they can single handily change the world? I wanted to be great, more specifically one of the greats. At that time that mindset was developing in me.

I wanted that level of success so badly and so soon. They try their best to drill into you that job security has to be your top priority but no one seems to mention how it usually accompanies mediocrity. They sugarcoat a life that in its purest form is just living from paycheck to paycheck and some might think of it as satisfactory but not me, I wanted more.

However I realised that I was trapped, in a viscous cycle of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Bus, tram, school, tram, bus, home, study, eat, sleep. With no scope of exceptions, of being world class at something. I lost all hope. And it hit me that I was born here and I'd fade away right here. I couldn't take it as a kid. It was a slap in the face, with life standing beside me, laughing. At that very moment it became too much for me. I didn't see any other solutions and believed no other existed. I decided rather than living a couple more decades as an average human being and then dying without leaving a mark, without making the world mine, I'd die now.

I gathered all the pills I could find in my house and sat with and a bottle of water inside the bathroom. I refrained to punch the wall because of the questions that will follow, I buried my anguish deep inside of my body in attempts of killing it. It's ends with me having taken all the pills, curled up with my head in between my legs on the cold bathroom floor because it's the only place I felt at home. And after 2 whole hours of trying to not sleep and vomitting. I was angry at God or life or whoever for sending me into this mess and then not allowing me to escape from it. Then I was angry at myself, because I hadn't even gotten this right. I was back at square one.

I observed a lot after that night, not others but myself. I thought a lot, why did I lose hope so soon? There was a major flaw in how I used to think. Not everything is going to go your way, you have to fight for your dreams, not give up when something goes wrong. If you don't see hope, create it. If you don't see force, become one. No matter how bad the odds are, if you don't try there is a 100% chance of failure. Besides it doesn't matter when I become successful, it might be 4 years from now or 40, because with consistent hardwork and patience comes the ability to handle greatness.

I don't think of my realisation of being caught in a rat race as a bad thing , even if bad things accompanied it at first. Because becoming sound and aware of both yourself and your surroundings is the first step to growth, to recovery, to redemption. True courage isn't dying for success but living for it. That night, I wasn't back to square one, I was just back to the same point with with experience. Growing up I always imagined I'd change the world, that I'd be the best, now I'm working for it.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562  
Jan 11, 2020   #2
There are several development plot points in your essay that require further attention in order to tie the essay together. I'll list these missing plot points below:

1. Who was instrumental in developing that mindset in you? Why was it important to that person that you be like minded?
2. Explain what version of the original mindset was developing in you and why you thought that way. Expand on the "one of the greats" discussion.

The essay itself shows a deeper understanding and self revelation through your suicidal experience. The problem is the lack of backstory and a presentation of how your understanding of your place in the world has led you to your mindset that has helped you become a better person. An understanding of your circumstances is not the same as developing a personal ideology that helps you become a better person and live a better life. Don't just say "if you don't..." Instead, show the reviewer how you put those beliefs into action, revealing a now fully matured person in both action and thought process.

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