Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen CM, and your particular major, department, or program. This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major, any goals or relevant work plans, and any other information you would like us to know.
**Thanks in advance!**
I glance anxiously at my timer, watching as the precious seconds tick by. Clenching the device in my sweating hand, I manage to squeak out the last remaining words:
"...which is why we stand in firm affirmation of the resolution."
This is how I spend a majority of my Saturdays: debating what the US government should or should not do and watching spittle fly off the lips of enraged opponents. We sit for an hour and a half, hunched over our laptops, half-listening to the speeches, typing furiously away at the keyboard with one hand, scribbling on a piece of paper with the other, all the while exchanging eye-rolls and exasperated looks with the judge, as if to say, "Can you believe what this guy is saying right now? I'm laughing! Look at me..I'm laughing!"
Yet, in the midst of all the anguish, exasperation, and rising blood pressure, I have found what thrills me most.
Spending four years as a policy debater has helped me obtain an incredible database of knowledge, but unfortunately, I don't know what to do with all this information. My experiences have helped me craft creative essays about government assistance, spew out statistics like a volcano, and succeed in making my challengers feel irrelevant, yet there is always a little voice in the back of my mind, telling me that there is so much more that I can do. This is precisely why I choose Carnegie Mellon.
Majoring in International Relations to become a foreign affairs analyst requires skillful application of analytic tools to create and implement solutions that would solve real-world crises. CMU's Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences provides the perfect opportunity to further my education in this way. I am persuaded, by the stellar reputation of the Department of Social and Decision Sciences, along with its establishment of the Center for International Relations and Politics (CIRP), that this is where I want to spend the next four years of my life. Perusing through a range of CIRP websites, I've discovered a long list of research opportunities that focus on globalization, a facet that has fascinated me since I started policy debate. By studying at CMU, I hope to one day work in the center's Research Lab in International Relations and Politics, alongside esteemed faculty such as Professor Kiron Skinner, and offer fresh perspectives about world affairs.
Additionally, I am highly anticipating the prospect of CMU's Washington Semester Program; the fact that it is open to all CMU undergraduates really shows Carnegie Mellon's dedication to promote a better understanding of public policy issues in our nation and around the world. Personally, I plan to take full advantage of this program and receive direct insight into relationships and interactions of the federal government with other organizations in D.C.
Carnegie Mellon is where I want to put all the knowledge I acquired from high school debating into good use. This is where I want to be: I want to talk politics with people who are just as interested, I want to engage in diplomacy that produces fruitful results, and I want to witness firsthand the impacts of my work in the international system.
This is why I stand in firm affirmation of Carnegie Mellon.
Hi grcpark7,
For this part, I would recommend that you talk more into detail about why you want to attend CMU. Maybe be a little more specific as to what the Dietrich College of HSS and CIRP can bring you? What specific resources you will utilize to achieve your goals.
I think you did a great job outlining your interest in foreign affairs through the debate anecdote. Could you also elaborate on your plans for achieving your dreams?
Over all, solid work. I can't find any problems with grammar. Well done!
@ryao15,
After rereading my essay with your advice in mind, I have found that you are absolutely right! I really didn't go to the specifics, which would be a huge no-no from the adcom.
Thanks a lot for your help :)
Thank you for your help!
Wow, grcpark7. This is a great essay. Your essay is concisely written and it is quite detailed. Plus the vocabulary you used is impeccable, I even had to look up the word perusing. You clearly show that you are determined to go to CMU, and know a lot about the University itself and its programs, and you thoroughly explained your goals. Overall, great job! I couldn't find any flaws within your essay. :)
Well... what can I say. I think that you nailed it this time. Great job!
An interesting hook (haha did you apply the diarrhea volcano thing here?) , explanations to why you wish to attend CMU, You mention specific resources in CMU that you would utilize to achieve your goals, you bring up a specific name... I think this is MUCH better than the first draft.
Also, great how you tied in the conclusion to your passion for debate.
However, there is one thing I would ask you to elaborate on:
Professor Kiron Skinner -- you mention him ,but not what he does nor why it interests you. I think if you talked a bit more about him, rather than just do a name drop here, it might be more effective.
Other than that, I think this is a great essay!
Good job!
Haha, wow, thank you so much for all your help!! I really appreciate it :)
I wish you good luck to you and your future endeavors!
