I wrote this junior year for a free-writing assignment and thought it might be a good answer for the question asked in my college application to Princeton. What I'm not sure of is whether or not its a good fit for Princeton; if they'd understand it, or take me as some rebellious teen (which is NOT what I'm trying to get at!). It would be great for some feedback on your reactions to it, and what impression you think it makes! THANKS!!
PROMPT:"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you."::
ESSAY:
""The elderly woman, stumbling under the weight of her groceries in the wide stretch between Shoppers and the parking lot, is left endangered by an oncoming truck. Luckily, a brave hero in a brown cap, steel-toed boots, fancy red neckerchief, and his signature button-up uniform, follows the call of duty and escorts her to the safety of the roadside."
Similar versions of this story had earned the camp's most imaginative kids first pick in the dining hall all week. My troop just sat quietly because once they finished talking, we could finally eat. Three times a day my troop eats last, three times a day our table is flipped, and three times a day I stand humiliated on the chair singing "I'm a little teapot" amid three hundred scouts' snorts. We stood out in Camp Buckskin because we lacked what the other troops possessed: "Boy Scout Prahd".
This trip is incomparable to the countless other journeys my troop braved to raise men. Class 4 whitewater rapids, camping without tents, and trekking the Dolly Sods, the coldest regions of the Appalachian Mountain Range in record -20 degrees and 48 inches of snow, left us tougher than any other person our age. These times with my troop were demanding, but while freezing half to death, coughing up water, and counting scars, I matured into an older brother, a fighter, and a man. So when in the summer of 2010 at Camp Buckskin I faced the "no gum" sign and an angry twelve-year-old stationed with his hand cupped to enforce this law, I decided it was time to give this scout reservation a taste of manhood.
After kitchen duty one day, I ran down to the campsite, assembled the guys, and, with bursts of laughter, we tore off our clothes, grabbed some towels, and ran barefoot toward the lake to go skinny-dipping. We passed the rifle range and volleyball court, leaving behind bewildered scouts covered to their noses with gadgets and gizmos by the wayside. By the time we arrived at the dock, word of our shamelessness had passed through walkie-talkies and we had about six scoutmasters at our pale behinds. We shoved through the blank stares, jumped the waterfront gate, sprinted across the dock, and dove cleanly into the warm lake waters. Floating on our backs in the middle of the lake was a breath of fresh air after suffocating from the dutiful-scout expectations, and a freedom I will never forget. The sound of kids shouting and lifeguards whistling with their entire lung capacity drowned as I let my ears sink beneath the surface.
That night our routine did not change. We received the same punishments; eating last, on the floor, finishing the meal singing "I'm a little teapot" on our chairs. The difference was, this time, we belted the song. We sang at the top of our lungs because that day we gained something the other troops did not have nor understand: the pride of men."
Hey Marcel! You have real good writing skills. I really enjoyed your little anecdote. :)
You come across as a free spirit, which is great! And you definitely show responsibility and maturity through the first part of the essay.
But I don't know if you gaining "pride of a man" would be counted as a significant impact. I'm not sure, I maybe wrong. :)
But what sets your essay apart is that it has this certain organic feeling that shows me your personality directly via your writing. You managed to accomplished that and I'm sure any adcom will be pleased with that!
I hope this helped you! All the best! Good Job!
PLEASE read both my essays! I need some more opinions Thanks!
Thankyou!! Yeah, that's what I was unsure about; I tweaked it to fit into a college essay, so I thought it might not fully answer the question--so i'll change that, thanks. And I'm on that haha!
Okay... The first change i will recommend is using fewer modifiers in the first few paragraphs. It's nice to come across a complex sentence structure from time to time...but it's quite distracting when u have to keep in mind at least four to five sentence fragments until you reach the end of the sentence,,,don't get me wrong, your writing style is flawless and clearly demonstrates that you are an adroit writer. I am just suggesting that you introduce a variation in your sentence structure in the first two paragraphs; i feel this will give it a better flow and make it read better.
As to answering the prompt...if u feel as though the event was significant, i recommend you include the essay under the current prompt u have chosen...remember this is your essay and you alone can decide what is significant for u...no complaints with the last paragraph...superbly-written and like the previous post says, you come across a free spirit.However, i suggest you modify the essay slightly to introduce the other troops in a slightly better light...it seems as though u regard them in a condescending manner; while this may be what you truly feel, you should try and make yourself seem a bit more understanding....
Of course these are just my opinions and please consult others before implementing the changes i have suggested....
PLEASE READ MY COMMONAPP ESSAY AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK...
Yeah, the beginning was definitely the roughest to write and cut down on. It was a lot longer and more descriptive before, and flowed a lot better, but then the issue was that the beginning dragged on for so long. Afterwards I didn't really know how to fix it, but changing sentence structure is definitely the way to go, thanks!!
As for your second piece of advice, I'll definitely make it less negative and ignorant toward them (even though...yeah whatever..)haha THANKS!!!!
