Please help me with my essay, I don't have much time :)
As the video came to an end, I sat back in my computer chair and wiped away tears of sadness. I had not been aware of a huge injustice within my own country. The documentary showed me of the cruel treatment towards animals by factory farmers. I continued my research on the topic, only to discover the brutality was much worse than I thought. Compassion overwhelmed me and it urged me to do something. It was then I started my personal protest by never again eating meat, dairy, eggs, or any other food that comes from animals- just fruits, legumes, grains and vegetables. I had become a vegan.
My new protest made me an easy target at school. I would often hear the same mocking questions and phrases like "Oh, so do you nibble on grass like the little bunnies?" or "That is so unhealthy, you're going to look like a ghost." Some had argued that animal cruelty isn't a big deal. Whereas others would stick their burger in my face and tell me how amazing it tastes.
Although they probably didn't realize how rude they were acting, I didn't let it faze me. I wasn't going to be one of the many kids who jump on the bandwagon and go along with everyone else. I stayed true in going against their belief, even if that meant months of ridicule. I felt like I was doing the right thing, and that mattered more to me than some kid making a joke about what I ate.
After I told a couple of my teacher about my protest, some told me that I needed to stop. They told me about vitamins, nutrition, and the importance of keeping animal based foods in your diet.
Although I could appreciate that their advice was of good intensions, I didn't take what they said for granted. Sometimes, challenging a belief means questioning what a role model or superior tells you. After hours and hours of research, I concluded that I would be able to have all the same vitamins and nutrients they were having without eating any dairy, eggs, meat, etc.
Even though no one else in my school community has joined me in protest, I still remain vegan three years later and have never regretted it. The experience has taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it means I'm standing alone.
I liked reading your essay, it was good to portray you as a person who stood alone in what you believe. I have only one spelling mistake for you. Good luck :)
Although I could appreciate that their advice was of good
Dawson, first things first on your essay.
The segmented or small paragraphs on your essay does not work very well,if the goal is to create an illusion
that there are a lot of sentences or paragraphs, that's not how it works.
I suggest that we merge a few segmented paragraphs together and enhance the sentences from there.
Here's what we can do;
It was then I startedThis truth led me to start my personal protest
by never again eating meat, dairy, eggs, or any other food that comes from animals- just fruits, legumes, grains and vegetables. I hadand become a vegan.
- some kid making a joke
aboutto what I ate.
- based food
s in your diet.
Although I could appreciate that their advice was of good intensionsI appreciate the fact that they mean well and
- Even though no one else in my school community has joined me in
protestthis quest ,
still remain've been a vegan for three years later and have never regretted it.
- The experience has taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it means I'm standing alone.
There you have it Dawson, I hope my remarks helped your essay and for future reference, make your essay stand out by choosing the right
words, words with conviction, words that will convey the purpose of your essay.