Criticize as much as you can! The harsher the better.
I also want to find a way to casually incorporate the fact that I have played the piano for 11 years, but I don't know where it is appropriate. I am a poor writer, so PLEASE HELP! I thank you in advance! :D
***TOPIC:Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Standing motionless at the white doorway, I stared at rows of unfamiliar faces. As I scanned the room for any similarities to the rooms that I was accustomed to, disappointment washed over me. My heart beat vigorously in my chest, as I inhaled and took a step inside. Suddenly, an epiphany hit me. There is nothing disheartening about change. Rather, it's an opportunity that must be treasured.
At the age of six, I immigrated to Canada from China. The initial cultural shock had a huge impact on me. I had difficulties assimilating into a new culture, making new friends and even communicating. But unbeknownst to me at the time, this was a life changing experience that would help me grow in many ways.
Upon conquering my language challenge, I realized I also had to strengthen myself emotionally. My family moved four more times after arriving in Canada. After every relocating, I found myself pestered by nostalgia. I was prone to tearful outbursts when things didn't go smoothly because I believed myself to be better off staying where I was. However, I forced myself to discard this state of mind when I realized that the root cause was fear. I was scared of change. I feared it because I didn't like having to position myself in a place outside of my comfort zone. But little by little, I overcame the urge of wanting to live in the past. When I thought of all the new people I can encounter and all the new things I can learn, I never looked back again.
My ability to quickly adapt was put to the ultimate test when my family moved twice during the 2012-2013 school year. The latter was a cross-border move from Canada to the United States. This time around, I found myself smoothly transitioning into my new environment.
In retrospect, my diverse background allowed me to gain a grander perspective of my surroundings. Not only was I able to speak and write in three languages that include Chinese, French, and English, I also established long lasting friendships in multiple countries. I successfully integrated with the different cultures to create my own identity.
No matter what the circumstance, I am confident in my abilities to face the obstacles that await me. I know that embracing my challenges is the ultimate way to go, and I have never been more prepared.
After every relocating
should be relocation
Honestly, I don't see any problems with your essay structurally/grammatically. It addresses the prompt well. However, I think that since you have moved so much and you mentioned nostalgia, you should include little bits of your travels. It would add more interest for the reader. I feel as if your essay is a little bare bones. You've described what happened and how it has changed you, but you should elaborate more on the process. This is just my opinion, but other than that I think you're a great writer, be confident! :)
Check out mine if you can.
