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'I was standing very nervously in a big hall' - activities or work experiences Essay


Dzayaa 1 / -  
Jan 1, 2013   #1
It sounds too simple and boring for me... God... Need some Help!!

Required Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

**YOUR RESPONSE MAY BE CUT OFF. LEARN MORE.**

I was standing very nervously in a big hall of Mongolian Children's Palace for the first time to take my dance club entrance exam back in 6th grade. Although showing physical skills such as flexibility and dancing with great confidence in front of many students and teachers was not an easy exam for most of my friends, the desire of challenging myself and learning new things beyond academics led me to try it out. I had a strict teacher and difficult practices but I just liked being there; I loved dancing. In addition to it, I joined my school dance club two years later. I had won the best solo dancer award of my school in 2011; won 2nd place from Mongolian-Russian International Festival in both 2009 and 2010. I learned to be more patient, confident, and especially, more open to people than I was used to be before.

tffnycheng 4 / 15 2  
Jan 1, 2013   #2
It is just fine. Do not worry! It showed what you learned from dancing, which is the important thing.

Good luck with college apps!
strwrsfn0013 3 / 15 6  
Jan 1, 2013   #3
I was standing very nervously in a big hall of Mongolian Children's Palace for the first time to take my dance club entrance exam back in 6th gradeThis topic sentence has great potential, but you should rearrange it so that it is clearer. Try, "In sixth grade I nervously stood for the first time in... yada ya ya" . Although showing physicalmy skills such asin flexibility and dancing withgave me a great confidence in front of many students and teachers was not an easy exam for most of my friends , the desire of challenging myself led me to try it"it" is an unclear antecedent. try specifying out. Although I had a strict teacher andwho implemented difficult practices,but I just liked being there, because I loved dancing. In addition to itLater on , I joined my school dance club two years later . I had won the best solo dancer award of my school in 2011; won 2nd place from Mongolian-Russian International Festival in both 2009 and 2010.although these accomplishments are impressive, I fee that you should probably exclude these from your essay and resort to just mentioning them in the awards section of the common app. I learned to be more patient, confident, and especially, more open to people than I was used to be before.

This essay would be much better if you put a little more description on your love for dancing and less on the sequence of events. Otherwise, I think this would be a fine essay. Also, keep in mind to exclude information you do not need.
elina855 3 / 6  
Jan 1, 2013   #4
Just reading through the first go, it was a little hard to follow. Try making the sentences flow better, the second sentence is way too long.

Also, you started off with a scene - Mongolia Church, but no where else is there another scene, it leaves the reader hanging. Try to tie up the loose ends


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