Hello everyone! I've just wrote my first rough draft for the second prompt and I would love some feedback. Please feel free to put in your two cents, and don't be afraid to be critical! That is what I'm looking for. Thanks in advance! :)
The prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Hi, my name is Leslie Chu and I am the 2011-2012 school board representative for Glen. A. Wilson High School," I say with a familiar tinge of nervousness in my voice. The first time is always the worst. I looked up from my rumpled, limp paper and saw the encouraging yet indifferent gazes of the school board cabinet. I cannot believe I am doing this for the rest of the school year. Great.
Rewind two years.
"Hi, my name is Leslie Chu; I am a freshman and I would like to try out for ASB," I say as my voice shakes like a 5.4 earthquake. This could make me or break me for the rest of high school. And boy, did it make me.
I could honestly say that the leadership program in my school was a defining moment in my life. It was the apple to my Isaac Newton, the E=MC2 to my Albert Einstein - or maybe just the peanut butter to my jelly. In all seriousness, ASB helped me reinforce a natural born characteristic: being a leader. I used to be the bossiest kid in class during primary school and inflicted fear to get my way. (Like I said, natural born leader.) However, once I hit high school, I realized no one was going to be scared of a girl who was five feet tall and weighed 95 pounds. No one cared if I yelled. No one cared about my opinion. And that turning point inspired me and drew out this curiosity and eagerness to learn to become a genuine leader.
Cue ASB.
As an ASB student, it is imperative to work alongside fellow leaders and headstrong people. I hit a mini culture shock when I witnessed 25 even more intense versions of myself; however, they knew how to efficiently utilize all the members of the group and to communicate in a way where everyone was satisfied. I was in awe at the way they naturally controlled the environment around them, fluidly assigning people jobs. They were impressive leaders and I strived to be like them. I became this buzzing bee, eager to learn the tips and tricks of ASB. My eagerness eventually led me to be noticed by the upperclassmen, advisors, and administration. Without ASB, I genuinely think I would not be the person I am today. Not only did ASB teach me to become a better leader, but it also taught me to be outgoing, creative, determined, and most importantly, proud of myself.
Eventually, through all my dedication and curiosity, I found my way standing at the podium in front of the entire school board cabinet. (And it does not hurt that I landed the position of co-president of ASB, but that's a story for another time.)
"Hi, my name is Leslie Chu and I am the 2012-2013 school board representative for Glen. A. Wilson High School," I say with a burst of confidence as bright as the sun. I looked up from my crisp paper and into the familiar faces of the school board cabinet.
The opposite transitions from your introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph tie together your essay wonderfully and really illustrates your accomplishment. It's hard for me to find a correction or piece of advice to give. Your essay does a good job of telling us who you are and how you've grown. which is what they want to see. good job and good luck!
if you could, checkout my essay!
