Please comment! I'm new here, and I'd really appreciate your feedback! Thank you! :)
Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
Beep-! As the school bell rings, a sense of relief immerses me. Yet, the transient reprieve is quickly expunged by dread, as I remember the colossal mountain of work waiting at home. "See ya!" I say to my best friend, Cynthia. I run to the bus, just before it is about to leave.
'Homework, check. Ah! I have to do a Bible chapter, read and write a summary, write...' Seeing the incessant quotidian work before me, I begin writing in a perfunctory manner.
Certainly, my ordinary day as an eleven year old was unconventional and unorthodox. I longed to be like the other girls, playing with their friends and having fun. Yet, with my former guardian Eunice, I lived a methodical life of efficiency and mindless work with limited freedom. Strict rules forbade any contact with my relatives and the use of any electronic or communications device.
As Eunice did not provide sound justification for the farcical amount of work and would exercise corporal punishment for not adhering to her laws, I became perplexed. I harbored radical thoughts against the Korean and Christian mindset of "obeying one's elders." While the work may provide a strong work ethic, one does not learn the material as one completes it for the sake of completion. Should not one look at the given workload? It was life with Eunice that I began to question the validity of one's actions.
How was a child supposed to have fun? I delved into books, where I freely explored the King Solomon's mines and the Mississippi River. I was Lyra who conjured a unique daemon, a silver haired sagacious wolf that protected her from any harm. I watched as Gulliver woke up in Lilliput bound by ropes and surrounded by miniscule people. The sundry stories were the portal to adventures in my ennui and mirth in my sorrow.
While life with Eunice was abominable, it not only instilled my love of reading and learning, work ethic, and the necessity for inquiry, but also my intellectual acumen and independence, crucial attributes to my identity.
You focus too much on complaining about your life with Eunice than you do explaining how it made you enjoy reading. And some of your diction seems like you opened a thesaurus and found the biggest words possible. Also, you overused "one". (one does this, one does that, etc)
I agree with the above poster, while you have a solid concept/underlying idea, you should try focus more on developing why you enjoy reading. Also, while yes, you definitely show that you have an extensive vocabulary - you don't want the admissions officer reading your essay to have to go pick up a dictionary in order to understand it! You don't have to use the biggest, most intellectual-sounding words you can find; try just writing in your own voice and using vocabulary you're comfortable with - it will make your essay flow better, and it will be much more YOU. Overall, good job though! (:
I'd really appreciate it if you could take a look at my essays, thanks!
