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Why Stanford is good for me -- any suggestions very welcomed.


vincentcanlas 6 / 22  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
This is the first time I wrote my response to this prompt.
It needs TONS of editing, I know.
I do not know if I responded to the prompt accurately or if my response has potential.
Any feedbacks, suggestions, edits.. will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

Growing up with a ready-to-wear clothing business owned by my family, I always question myself: "What type of business would I want?"

When I was in third grade, I went with the salesmen to see how a small store is run. This started to give interest to me of running my own business in the future. I rented my own small stall in a community festival where I sold different sorts of things. I applied my entrepreneurial skills I learned from my Introduction to Entrepreneurship class in fifth grade. As I stepped to my second year in high school in the Philippines, I planned in entering Ateneo de Manila University, a prestigious university that offers Management Engineering (ME). I had my mind set that I would major on it because I knew it would make me a better business person in the future.

All those thoughts and plans started to falter as I migrated to the United States. I didn't know anything about the country I was about to enter. What more about universities? I knew, however, I had time to research about prospective colleges. When I talked to a teacher of mine and told him about my plans, he specifically told me about Stanford's Management Science and Engineering undergraduate program. From that day, I researched about the program and I found out about a specific forum: the Stanford Global Supply Chain Management Forum. Looking back to my entrepreneurship class and my personal experiences, I remember when we talked about supply chain and me wondering how my family's business plays a huge role in the economy. Those topics interest me until now. I knew it learning more about them was the best for me because of what I have experienced. Because I know by going to a research-based institution where students get rigidly trained, I would be able succeed in my field of study and I can lead my own company to unending success.
davidgoes 5 / 13  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
I rented my own small stall in a community festival where I sold different sorts of things .

I dont think its ever good to use the word things because it is too general.

Also when you talk about Stanford, and which school, try researching a professor in your field and listing him as someone who could be a future mentor and friend and so on. Try to distinguish stanford from other schools, what makes it better than other schools, you could list outside activities that you enjoy and research if they have those clubs or organizations at stanford

Overall I think the content of your essay is well written
MonsieurWise 2 / 21  
Dec 31, 2009   #3
It was good on the normal sense. You answered the question right to the point. However, it was a bit "flat".
Generally, I think yours need a bit of personal touch and originality. It seems a bit common: One's history, then one's dream, then one found one's dream school. Try something fresh, tell a story, for example. Make it more interesting to read, because you're applying for Stanford, after all :)

Heheh, thank you for your comment on my post ^^.
ekfoong 10 / 46  
Dec 31, 2009   #4
I see someone's a procrastinator :).
once again thanks for the C&C on my piece.
I look forward to reading!!!

Growing up with a ready-to-wear clothing business owned by my family, I always question myself: "What type of business would I want?" Can I just rephrase this? sorry i found it a little confusing like the person above me ... of course you don't have to follow my advice but here goes!... "Growing up with a family owned ready-to-wear clothing business I always questioned: 'What type of business would I want?'"

When I was in third grade, I went with the salesmen to see how a small store is runidk if this is the right tense... I think it's "was ran" to maintain tense with "went" but even that sounds weird . This started to give interest to me "give interest to me" sounds like a foreign translation... try "sparked the interest" of running my own business ...

I applied mythe entrepreneurial skills ...
As I stepped in to my second year in high school in the Philippines, I planned inon entering Ateneo de Manila (...) Management Engineering (ME) .

What more about universities? rephrase this question :)

Those topics have interested me until now. I knew itthat learning more about them was the ...
... research-based institution where students get rigidly I don't quite like that word there...

a lot of the editing was the result of American colloquialism. some of the phrasing was a bit odd. so I hope i helped :) Good luck!


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