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Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking..


Kimathi 6 / 45  
Oct 21, 2010   #1
Hey, Please critique my essay for Stanford. Be devilishly brutal. I really need to get this right, and at the moment, I have a serious case of writers block, and this is due in 2 weeks. (EA)

It is above the 1800 character limit (1876) so feel free to suggest parts for amputation. Thanks. :)

Prompt: TELL US WHAT MAKES STANFORD A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU.

I love leading, I love chemistry,
I love designing, I love astronomy.
Whenever I am asked what I want to study at university, one word always comes to mind: everything. Though this is usually followed by disappointed glares and speeches attacking 'my indecision', I believe, and thankfully Stanford believes too, that confronting the issues facing the world requires a multi-faceted approach as opposed to one that traditionally lies within a distinct discipline. At Stanford, I will have the freedom to unite my passion for chemistry with my interest in management science, astrophysics and product design. By taking a combination of courses in these different fields, I will gain a unique perception that will enable me to provide a new angle of insight into processes that previously seemed straightforward. Stanford's multidisciplinary approach to education encourages exploration ensuring I graduate with both a depth and a breadth of knowledge.

I love cooking, I love discovery,
I love public speaking, I love photography.
At Stanford, I can be assured of holistic development through the numerous activities on campus. I can join the Stanford Photography Club and express myself using light, delve into the culinary arts with various lessons at the Bechtel International Center and indulge in the numerous opportunities for debate with the Stanford Debate Society as well as the Stanford Model United Nations Conference. Most notably though, I will be able to partake in the numerous undergraduate research opportunities; hence placing me at the forefront of scientific discovery.

I am a unique individual with already varied interests. Surrounded by an assorted student body, I will learn from different cultures to augment the knowledge I attain from my classes and hence ensure that in the end I will be a fusion of varied experiences.

I love Stanford, I love diversity
tennislover 4 / 12  
Oct 21, 2010   #2
I think what you wrote tells alot about what you like to do and what you hope to accomplish. However, alot of what you said can be done at various schools. I think you need to focus more on one of your interests and tie it in to stanford.
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Oct 21, 2010   #3
hey, thanks for your critique.. Umm while I understand where your coming from, i din't want to go the whole cliche route of professor name dropping and mentioning specific course listings. I wanted to show that I am in tune with Stanford's ideals, an entirely abstract concept. Two things that Stanford prides itself are 1. its focus on interdisciplinary education rather than the traditional disciplines and 2. it creation of well rounded individual. Those were the two qualities I was trying to emulate, rather unsuccessfully apparently...

Thanks for everything though.. :)
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Oct 24, 2010   #4
Any1 else? I could really use the feedback... :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 25, 2010   #5
Be devilishly brutal.

hahahahaha

Whenever I am asked what I want to study at university, one word always comes to mind: everything.

no.

At Stanford, I will have the freedom to unite my passion for chemistry with my interest in management science, astrophysics and product design.

yes.

See what I mean? They are right. It is indecision, because the time has come to choose a course of study. Don't worry, you can always change it or add to it. :-)

Let's not keep that stuff at the beginning about everything. Are you interested in fashion? Accounting? I didn't think so! :-)

I love cooking, I love discovery,
I love public speaking, I love photography.

Oh... this is really cool. Well, no! I still recommend killing it! Kill the intro, and kill this. They do not want to see cute poems; they want to see more about uniting your passion for chemistry with your interest in management science, astrophysics and product design. That should be your focus. Tell us what you want to do.

:-)
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Oct 27, 2010   #6
Wow, as painful as that was, it was exactly the kind of criticism I needed. Well below is what I have now, (now even more over the char limit that before... 1916/1800 chars) Please tell me what you think. Its due in 4 days...

I believe that confronting the issues facing the world requires a multi-faceted approach as opposed to one that traditionally lies within a distinct discipline. At Stanford, I will have the freedom to unite my passion for chemistry with my interest in nanotechnology and management science and engineering. Taking a combination of courses in these different fields will enable me to gain a unique perspective into engineering technology giving me a layer of versatility. The strategic directions of Stanford Engineering seamlessly align with this as the focus on nanoscience, business policy, information technology and management within the faculty augments my efforts to acquire a multidisciplinary education.

The research experience for undergraduates program at Stanford is extremely attractive as I will get an opportunity to collaborate within a research group to investigate an independent hypothesis while putting into practice the intangible concepts and skills learned in class. In this regard, I hope to be able to contribute to the Stanford Undergraduate Research Journal and by doing so make a substantial contribution to the advancement of science. With the availability of modern equipment, resources and internationally acclaimed facilities such as the Stanford Nanofabrication Facility, this is made entirely feasible and I will be ensured that my education occurs right at the frontiers of science. With this, the fundamentals of transforming exploratory research into working technologies will feature both theoretically and practically within my undergraduate years giving me an unyielding grasp of engineering principles.

I believe that I am insync with the ideologies at the core of Stanford's undergraduate program and that I have the ability to fully exploit the available opportunities; therefore, I expect to thrive in the challenging yet thoroughly fulfilling environment that is Stanford.
littlechef 10 / 33  
Oct 29, 2010   #7
This revision is much better, as it focuses on your desire to pursue nanotechnology and management sciences without including too many personal aspects.

Well-written, articulate, and concise, the essay gets right to the point about your aspirations.

Overall, I enjoyed it :)
viwagude 1 / 4  
Nov 9, 2010   #8
Hi brian i belive stanford offers a pyramid of diffrn thngs 2 learn. Education may be the base level as a personal need u will have a chance 2 dvlp ur talent,meet rich diverse group ...you frm africa doesnt stanford offer u mre thn education
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Nov 14, 2010   #9
Already sent this in! :)

Umm, I understand where your coming from but tbh my primary reason for applying to Stanford is their great programs. Plus I dint want to write the very cliche and shallow reasons such as i want ot go 'fountain hopping' or perhaps that I would love the cali weather. All this of course subtly if anything affect my decision to apply there but their programs, and ability to provide wonderful educational resources is my primary reason for applying, as indicated by the essay.


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