Fourteen years later, the once queen of the monkey bars is now going to set out for the next biggest obstacle: college.
interesting third person sentence
Not much has changed for me since then.
Transition is a bit weak here. maybe try to fit it better with the previous one. Phrase it better?
Its scary that
It is* <try not to use contractions>
of the rest of my life
wordy, cut down some.
When I first started to narrow down my list of colleges the obvious traits on the list were strong engineering programs (in a university), strong learning environment, large campus/ number of students, great athletic facilities, near/in a city, and near water.
sounds like you made Stanford a choice out of the many. you can make that a good thing or a bad thing. depends how you build upon this.
I want to feel the same way I felt that day on the monkey bars: independent and fearless; eager to explore. Stanford is that for me.
Questioning yourself in your essay is okay...I guess. but maybe just make this point? And rephrase the adjectives, I don't think the ; fits there. And what do you mean stanford is THAT for me? what is THAT? explain more about THAT and less questioning? will cut some words down.
The exciting part about college is the fact that I will be an independent adult.
scary yet exciting..how...exciting.
Free to make my own decisions.
Free to make my own decisions.
...so you can take this out too. this and the next sentence are
, not sentences.
This is why I am so thrilled to apply to Stanford. Stanford, California is 2,869 miles from home. A four days car ride and a six hour plane ride, I would be almost completely isolated from my family and friends here in Annapolis. By being so far away, I have to be independent. Instead of showing it by my talent on the monkey bars, I am showing it through my willingness to go outside of my comfort zone.
do you have to mention this so show that you will HAVE TO BE independent? And what of the monkey bar theme here? I don't see how, other than an unstated hint that monkey bars were not a comfort zone, this shows you will have to be independent. What did you mean by showing it? showing your independence on those bars? Maybe clarify this allusion.
Stanford is a research university. More than any other school on my college list, Stanford wants to explore, not only teach.
great idea. yet not so great. you mention, that you HAVE many other colleges on your list...and you're not saying exclusively that Stanford is at the top. you just say that it is the more exploring university...whatever that means. say what you meant. please.
new tricks that I could pull off.
creative, but college isn't about tricks. use another word maybe.
I may not have pulled off experiments with the sophistication of an academic institute but the drive for curiosity was just the same.
What do you mean here? clarify? your drive for curiosity? that still puzzles me. drive for curiosity. maybe you meant something like drive of* curiosity? I don't know...
day all that matters in my college experience is how I feel and what aspects of my life I want to continue and develop further.
sounds like it's ALL you. that all that matters is YOURSELF..not the college or university..a bit arrogant sounding
I want to continue to feel as if I am back at the jungle gym, swinging around the monkey bars like the independent, curious, fearless adult that I am. Stanford is the best college to showcase those qualities.
maybe rephrase? I'm not sure Stanford is exactly a jungle gym..looks more like a place for studying and learning and researching and creating. maybe in the conclusion, reflect again on you making those new "tricks"
Good luck with the edits >_>