Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 11


Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me


Kimathi 6 / 45  
Aug 22, 2010   #1
Hey, below is my essay for stanford's supplement essay prompt 2. Please critique it and tell me is it is appropriate. Also tell me a section you think it can do without as it is over the character limit: 2138 char while the limit is 1800 char. thanks. :)

It is often thought unusual, the level of intimacy that exists in my family. Going over and above mere cohabitation, the relationship is one characteristic of best friends rather than just family. My mother and sister are my confidants, my personal cheer squad and they form the muse from where I draw my inspiration for life. Perhaps this is the consequence of being a single-parent household, but whatever the reason behind it; my family is the most essential thing in my life.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, my mother is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and centre; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. In fact, rarely is the presence of friends as important as it is when one is facing trials. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments and problem-sets, we should still find time to indulge: be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

My sister, Sandra, the reason that the word perfectionist was added into the English language; she always demands the very best from me, shirts: impeccably folded, room: appropriately organized and food: suitably seasoned. Sandra has taught me never to be complacent; often, you can do better. Her high expectation of me has translated to my striving to achieve excellence in all facets of my life. You will therefore notice my constant quest for self-improvement: from matters as trivial as how best to economize on my closet space to more significant issues such as raising my grade point average.

Though my family will be miles away while I am in college, its influence on me transcends distance and is omnipresent. I hope that I can utilize this impact on me positively throughout college and indeed our time together.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 22, 2010   #2
When there is a word limit, it's better to directly address all the points you want to mention. Consider your first two sentences: you could have said all that in one sentence.

but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us.

This doesn't fit with the first part of the sentence. When you say "a fighter" you should first explain why you said that. After that only, you can introduce a different characteristic/argument/idea.

Sandra has taught me never to be complacent; often, you can do better. Her high expectation of me has translated to my striving to achieve excellence in all facets of my life.

Instead of writing the first sentence like this, can you write it like the first sentence of the corresponding paragraph? What I mean is, can you write it with the help of an example, and not plainly state it?

The highlighted sentence seems unnecessary.

I like this essay. Your approach was different. Instead of writing like "I am very blah blah blah" and supporting with some examples, you approached it in the opposite way. Cool thinking!
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Aug 22, 2010   #3
This doesn't fit with the first part of the sentence. When you say "a fighter" you should first explain why you said that. After that only, you can introduce a different characteristic/argument/idea.

I think I qualified the use of the word fighter with the 'knocking down challenges left, right and centre' bit. Isn't is clear enough? The 'coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us.' part is an extended metaphor of the fighter imagery. Think boxing, the fighter recuperating at his corner as he discusses strategy with his manager. I am a bit worried if that didn't come through though. I thought it was a clever metaphor, apparently not. =(

What I mean is, can you write it with the help of an example, and not plainly state it?
The highlighted sentence seems unnecessary.

the two sentences introduce the idea immediately after them, which I think has the example you refer to. I would fortify it further with more examples if it weren't for the character limit.

Thanks for the critique Ershad. I will try and incorporate your feedback as best as I can. :)

Sidebar: Would you review my second draft for my cornell engineering essay. You had critiqued the first draft and I think I tackled most of your observations. :) Thanks.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 22, 2010   #4
I thought it was a clever metaphor

There's no doubt that that was a good metaphor. I completely understood what you were trying to say. What I meant was -- you should explain a bit about "knocking down challenges left, right and centre" before you introduce the next part. Do you understand what I mean? However, this is just a personal opinion. You don't have to agree with everything I say :)

Oh...by the way, I think it would be a good idea if you use only the American spellings. (I'm referring to "centre" = "center")
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Aug 22, 2010   #5
you should explain a bit about "knocking down challenges left, right and centre" before you introduce the next part

oh, cool! I will try and expound after the entire sentence. that way it wound interfere with the flow...

Oh...by the way, I think it would be a good idea if you use only the American spellings. (I'm referring to "centre" = "center")

Wow. I can't believe that 1 slipped past me. Adapting to a whole new other form of a language has been challenging. You can infer I am accustomed to British English. :) Thanks for pointing that out.
ershad193 14 / 333 5  
Aug 22, 2010   #6
You can infer I am accustomed to British English

Yep. Me too :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 23, 2010   #7
cheer squad and they form the muse from they are my muses when I draw my inspiration for life.

Look for unnecessary words and sentences. It i especially good to cut the modifiers.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, my mother is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and centre; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. In fact, rarely is the presence of friends as important as it is when one is facing trials. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments and problem-sets, we should still find time to indulge. be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Aug 24, 2010   #8
Look for unnecessary words and sentences. It i especially good to cut the modifiers.

I did that. Though I think some modifiers are necessary. :)

Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability.

I tried this, but then the following sentence sounded like a digression. I think it provide a good transition. Correct me if I'm wrong.

be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

I think this is essential as it shows how i'll apply the lesson within the context of Stanford. bonus points for mentioning the campus coffee house.. :p I think It shows that I have though about the college life, no?

Anyway, I have revised it, and it is now below the char limit. It is 1798 so unless a revision adds at most 2 characters or takes away more, my hands are tied.. :)

Going beyond mere cohabitation, the level of intimacy within my family is one characteristic of best friends rather than kin. My mother and sister are my confidants, my personal cheer squad and the muse from where I draw my inspiration for life. Perhaps the consequence of a single-parent household, my family is the most essential thing in my life.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, she is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and center; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments, we should still find time to indulge: be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

My sister, Sandra, the reason that the word perfectionist was added into the English language; she always demands the very best from me, shirts: impeccably folded, room: appropriately organized, food: suitably seasoned. Sandra has taught me never to be complacent; often, one can do better. Her high expectation of me has translated to my constant quest for self-improvement, from matters as trivial as how best to economize on closet space to more significant issues such as raising my grade point average.

Though they will be miles away while I am at college, my family's influence on me transcends distance and is omnipresent. I hope that I can positively utilize this impact throughout college, and indeed our time together.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 25, 2010   #9
...the muses from which I draw...

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose.--- adverbs usually weaken sentences.

My sister, Sandra, is the reason that the word perfectionist was added into the English language---- this is a cool way to describe a person, by the way!
OP Kimathi 6 / 45  
Aug 25, 2010   #10
adverbs usually weaken sentences.

I see that now. :)

this is a cool way to describe a person, by the way!

Haha! her nickname is actually Ms. Perfect!

Thanks for that kevin. My Character count actually went down (albeit by 2 only :D)
1798 + 1 - 6 +3 = 1796 char

What do you think about the overall message is portrays though. Is it holistically appropriate for the prompt? Have you learned something about me?

Thanks dude. :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 28, 2010   #11
Well, I always think it is better if you have at least one sentence -- at the beginning or end of the first or last para -- that sums up the whole essay... a sentence that succinctly tells your main message.

I think it does indeed accomplish what it is supposed to accomplish. Just try to add a sentence that will reinforce the main message.

:-)


Home / Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳