Can you guys please help me with this essay? Any suggestions to improve it?
Stanford's students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
Curiosity is a gateway for greater curiosities; the more we know, the more we strive to find out. Thus, it is infectious to the human mind. It is an infection that paves the route to where individuals stumble upon their passions. For, curiosity is the reason why humans are the most advanced species on Earth. Most of the people that we recognize and remember today are those who quenched their thirst for answers for the questions created by their random bouts of curiosity.
Is curiosity a natural desire to find answers or is it a selfish need? Is it genetically predisposed, controlled by some unknown hormone or is it built into our temperament? Perhaps, it is the need to know where we come from or predict what is to come and rid any uncertainty. In a quest to find answers to my questions, I conducted a detailed experiment with three different age groups. With friends and family as volunteers, I first observed infants playing with the same set of toys and after thirty minutes, I added a new toy. The new toy captured the attention of the whole group. The same procedure was done with children, aging from seven to eleven, except word puzzles were used. Most sustained their unyielding efforts to solve the puzzle, while a few gave up curious about the new puzzle. For the adults, I asked each to research, within a one week frame, a topic which they had long held interest in. Only a quarter returned with answers. Upon scrutiny of my experiment, I came to the conclusion that the strength of curiosity decays with age. However, that does not explain why scientists like Einstein and mathematicians like Archimedes made their discoveries and contributions as adults.
This mystery has infected me with an enormous curiosity to explore the intricate concept of curiosity and my thirst will not be quenched until I find my answers.
it seems much to general. im guessing your essay is about the experiment and how its related to curiosity and age but i dont think you get personal enough with the essay for the admissions officers to think that you are really passionate about this topic.
one thing that i noticed is the language. make sure that you are comfortable with the language you use. its okay to write in language that is similar to the way you speak. no word is out of place or "thesaurusy" but big language doesnt show intellectual vitality, your topic does (which yours does well)
this concept of intellectual vitality is huge at stanford. they really want to know your thought process and see your love of learning shine through.
dont use the "thrist quenched" concept. its overused and doesnt show passion quite as clearly as your experiment itself could. capitalize on why you did the experiment, what you found, and what about your findings made you want to continue things like it