Hi English tutors,
Tell me how you think of this.
The past eleven years flashed back clearly as a movie that replayed in my mind. I have never forgotten the day that my brother was stuck on the father space when he was doing a family tree for school. The confusion and bewilderment on his face was what I had experienced as well. My father passed away when my brother was just born. He had no memories about our father. I drew a picture on the father space and my brother drew a heart around it. That day, I promised to my little buddy that I will do everything for him to fill the father space in his life. My brother encouraged me with new responsibilities in being an older son at home. I taught him how to swim, ride a bike, and play checkers that I learned from my Dad. I love my brother the way that my father loved me. I am the role model for him to look up to. A strong person who he can depend on and a guiding light leading him through tough times when he has trouble. Making sure that my brother grows up safely, demonstrates filial obedience, and gets academically enriched is what really matters to me.
There is a common Chinese proverb saying "The eldest son at home should take the father's responsibilities for his younger siblings." If I violated this traditional philosophy I would feel sinful. Taking care of my brother is my responsibility. I am thankful for the best gift that my parents gave to me. Because of him, I strive to be the best I could be in my life.
I think you could elaborate more on what happened to your father, unless you are worried about word count. It seems very sudden, how quickly you moved from the movie into your fathers passing. Maybe you could smoothen the transition into the event?
Thanks for our quick response. I will follow your suggestions to revise my essay.
I think you can just cut out the first sentence and start with the second sentence. it seems right.
i am also writing this essay and I suppose you are also from china.(i mean,you quote é-żĺ...ĺŚçś).Hope we can both go to stanford....here is my doubt:Do you really think it a good idea to try to move the AO, maye they are tired of these kind of emotional expression? but of course, maybe they are not.i consider essay a chance to show determination,future plan and talant.but after all ,it is a great essay.i maybe just too cynicism.good luck.
I agree with jcubed you should look for a more smoother transition. You should reflect more on why it matters. Making yourself shine throughout the essay is important.
