Here is the full prompt:
Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Here is my essay:
Dear Mr. Future Roomate,
To be completely honest, I struggled with this letter at first. How was I supposed to explain myself, with all my complexities and quirks, to someone I didn't know? I don't even know who I really am! After a few days of contemplation, I decided approach this the only way I knew how: breaking myself down into parts in order to create a picture of me as a whole. So, without further ado, here are four facts about me that I believe best sum up my personality.
1) I love a good scary story. And I don't mean any old campfire tale, but a truly blood-curling, scream-inducing, pants-wetting, sleeping-with-the-light-on tale of terror. As my roommate, I hope we can indulge in this habit together.
2) I believe that everyone has a secret superpower, and life is just finding out what it is. I'm blessed enough to already know my ability: Monopoly. Nobody in my family has won against me, no matter how many times we play. I simply cannot be beat. You are more than welcome to try, however.
3) If you will be living with me, you should expect books-lots and lots of books. In fact, looking around my room right now, I count about at least eleven that are scattered throughout. It is not an uncommon sight to find me up in the unholy hours of the night, hidden under my blanket with a novel in my hand, murmuring to myself "Just one more chapter. One... more... chapter..."
4) I have many talents, but cooking is not one of them. But I do it anyways. Just last week, I finally made almost edible peach cobbler-a marked improvement. If I do happen to offer you some food, and it does make you want to only drink mouthwash for the rest of your life, I would really appreciate it if you would spit it out only when I'm not looking.
What do you guys think? I've got like 250 characters left, probably enough for a conclusion, but I'm struggling what to write about. Thanks everyone!
I really like the tone you have, it's direct and friendly and doesn't sound like it's trying too hard. But, I do think your introduction can be shortened or cut--Many essays are going to start this way, the whole "But how can I describe myself in such a short letter?" might not be the most original way to go about it. Actually, I think it might be nice if you just started with a simple greeting and something like "Here are four things about me" or something. That way, you focus more on your list as the main bulk of the letter, not just the middle portion.
Overall, great job! You come across as a friendly and welcoming person, something that is very important in this specific prompt.
The humour you have in your letter is great. For your last 250 char. you could probably say something along the lines of what you hope your roommate is, perhaps someone to share your humour, etc. But other than that, it's a good letter, that has its quirks that'll separate you from others.
So far so good! :-) keep up the same spirit and tone for the rest of the letter. Good luck! :-)
A day in shopping mall
During my vacation last month, I had been to the biggest mall in south India with my family.
It was a great experience, as it's the leading shopping mall. However, the price of the items were really heavy for a typical Indian. One best thing that I noticed, is the collection of fancy ornaments, because, the price of ornaments is rally good as compared with the normal stores. Overall the experience had been memorable for me.
In need to end the matter within 80 words, so i wrote it short. please check the grammetical and punctuation errors.
wowsers10101
1) I love a good scary story, and I don't mean any old campfire tale, but a truly blood-curling, scream-inducing, pants-wetting, sleeping-with-the-light-on tale of terror. As my roommate, I hope we can indulge in this habit together.
2) I believe that everyone has a secret superpower, and life is just about finding out what it is. I'm blessed enough to already know my ability: Monopoly. Nobody in my family has won against me, no matter how many times we play. I simply cannot be beat. You are more than welcome to try, however.
It's a great place to start! I'd suggest revising the intro - I see what you're trying to do and the humor works well, but you may not need to be quite so wordy with how you ended up with your result. You might put some of this in the conclusion, and be a bit more serious with the intro.
Just a thought.
I would recommend that you cut down the intro because it doesn't really say anything about you and instead use those extra words to add another point.
does make
I think "makes" would sound better
only when
I think "once" would sound better
I like the visuals and descriptions
And I love point 2 because I too love monopoly although I am not as skilled as you
