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Stanford- Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you.


esnom_ 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2012   #1
Dear roommate,
Hello! My name is Monse. Since we are living together, you will get to know me pretty well, but I'm sure you are as curious about me as I am about you. In advance, I warn you that I love to sing, but unfortunately I sing horribly, so you will have to deal with my random moments where I believe I am the next Beyonce. Also sometimes I wildly dance when I'm angry or stressed because since I am also awful at dancing, I laugh hysterically. Do you like going out? I've lived in a house where I had very limited freedom, so I am really looking forward to going out without worrying about an angry mother who is about to eat you alive for being 5 minutes late. But because I have been used for so long to staying home most of the nights, I might just want to stay in sometimes. I love to watch reality shows! I love re-runs! I could sit at home with food and watch all 8 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. I need to make sure you know I am terrified of scary movies and birds! I will freeze and panic if a bird gets in front of me and I will scream and run if I see scary movie trailers.

Other than those traits, I am an attentive listener and loyal. I am a strong believer of karma, so I expect to get what I give. So usually I am very nice and friendly. I could also take criticism very well, so I hope you can feel comfortable being direct with me rather than sugar coating it. I know you will find a lot of new things about me as time goes by, so I'll let you find them yourself.

I'm sure we can get a long and I can't wait to experience new things together. I don't really know what to expect but I am excited!

Best Regards,
Monse.

Feedback please?
ajok - / 2  
Oct 30, 2012   #2
I like it. Your personality shines through and your exactly like me!(:
"I know you will find a lot of new things about me as time goes by, so I'll let you find them yourself."

You already stated that they'll find a lot of new things the end is just repeating the beginning, if you decide to keep the sentence insert "out" before yourself
OptimistPRIM3 - / 7  
Oct 30, 2012   #3
Hey, Overall, it's a good essay, except for a few grammar errors and wording issues. "In advance, I warn you that I love to sing..." change this to "I would like to caution you about my love for singing. Unfortunately, it's horrible, so... you will have to deal with my poor emulations of Beyonce." ...something of the sort. "I wildly dance when I'm angry or stressed because since I am also awful at dancing" change "because" to "and". "an angry mother who is about to eat you alive" change "you" to "me". the sentence right after, erase "but" and put "for so long" right before the comma. Make a transition between staying in and the reality shows sentence by just putting "and" between them. Change "Ia am an attentive listener and loyal" to "I am loyal, and I am an attentive listener." Also elaborate on those qualities. Do more 'show' than 'tell'. Also change "I am a stron believer of karma" to "I strongly believe in karma." It has a good subject, and if you fix the few errors and work on your transitions, you'll do great :) good luck!


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