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STAR WARS; Georgetown/ Significance of the school or summer activity


Taishi 1 / 3  
Jan 5, 2013   #1
Hello!! I am writing an essay for Georgetown and am not sure if I am answering right and writing a good essay. Any comment is welcome!!!!

If anyone gives me any comment on my essay, I will read his/her essay and make a comment!!! Please please read my essay and tell me what you think!

In the space available discuss the significance to you of the school or summer activity in which you have been most involved.

I was 5 years old when I first watched Star Wars. I asked for Santa Claus to bring me a light saber, a cool lethal weapon used in the movie. As I grew up, my fascination with the science fiction movie matured into something real. I became interested in wars between nations, religions and races because I enjoyed learning about historical backgrounds and leaders' motivations. Since I abhorred the existence of war, I decided to eliminate them from the world in my future. However, after researching battles by myself, I realized that war will never disappear.

Two years ago, I seized the opportunity to go to the US for 3 weeks with a full-scholarship and visit international organizations, American governmental offices and Princeton University. At the IMF, I asked the Japanese staff a question that I had pondered for years: "Don't you think it is impossible to eradicate war since people act egotistically?" They were perplexed, perhaps because they needed to choose from ambivalent answers - speaking realistically or keeping up students' hopes. However, a staff member took a microphone and said, "Nothing will change without a belief in your action. At least I believe that we can remove war from the planet in the future." After the visit to the IMF, I found myself moved by his words. Without belief in the eradication of war, war will continue living on the earth. Without belief in myself, I cannot accomplish anything.

Now, I believe in myself and that I can be a diplomat representing Japan and help eliminate wars. However, since a diplomat needs to have deep insight into academics and cultures of other countries, it is crucial to have a great education in a community of intellectually and culturally diverse students from other countries. Since the location of Georgetown, Washington DC, the center of the global politics and excellence of education of international relations provided by The Walsh School of Foreign Service (SFS) match my ideal educational place, I decided to go to The Walsh School of Foreign Service and major in international politics. Because I have a belief in myself, I won't be afraid but will take every opportunity SFS provides students. In the future, while I will still cherish my favorite Star Wars, I will strive to keep the real world free of war.

thank you for reading:)
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Jan 5, 2013   #2
What is the IMF? Expand it, and then put in brackets IMF after, so people know what you're talking about when you bring it up again.

Don't you think it is impossible to eradicate war since people act egotistically

Are you asking, "Do you think..." or are you asking, "Do not you think"? The second doesn't make any sense. Yoda sound you like.

Japanese staff

I realized you're Japanese on your last paragraph, so I was rather confused as to why you specified the Japanese staff. After all, they are not as involved in war as US, so why did you choose them specifically? If you don't want to bring it up in your essay, just say "staff".

war will continue living on the earth

1. War is not alive. Perhaps use a different metaphor?
2. Earth is capitalized.
3. You don't need "the" in front of "Earth".

Since the location of Georgetown, Washington DC, the center of the global politics and excellence of education of international relations provided by The Walsh School of Foreign Service (SFS) match my ideal educational place, I decided to go to The Walsh School of Foreign Service and major in international politics

Georgetown is located in Washington DC, the centre of global politics. The Walsh School of Foreign Service has an excellent international relations program, where I intend to major in international politics.

General note: do not use contractions.
chessman567 5 / 170 11  
Jan 5, 2013   #3
I think the last sentence is sort of unrealistic. As you said before, it is "impossible" for there to be no war forever. Try to think of a better phrase.
hughj 2 / 21 8  
Jan 8, 2013   #4
You could begin with the 'hook' "I decided I wanted to become a Jedi when I was five, and I still want to become a Jedi." cause I know a guy writing about starwars too, and well, you need a gimmick to set you apart.

Then instead of what you said at the end, you could tie it together by saying something along the lines of:
"And I still want to become a Jedi, a universal peace keeper, but my light saber will not be powered with mystical crystals, but with the power of reason and conviction."


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