Well, the prompt is my title of the thread, please help by giving me some opinion.
Having witnessed the riots break out in Jakarta and several other cities such as Medan, Bandung and Aceh in 1997, I moved to Singapore with the realization of how an economic recession due to the financial collapse of the Thai Baht after obtaining a burden of foreign debt that made the country effectively bankrupt, could have heavily impacted another country like Indonesia or South Korea. Since then, I have developed a passion for finance. In addition to my interest in economics, I am also interested in politics and the way it impacts the economy of a country or the world.
Following my graduation from Singapore American School, I enrolled in Broward College in Singapore where I currently attend my classes. As I am nearing the end of the second semester of my Broward College years, I have decided to continue my higher level of education in the United States because of my disappointment with what the college has offered me. The college has failed to offer more finance oriented programs or classes that I am generally interested in. Thus, I plan to continue my college years in the United States, where I truly feel that the universities are be able to offer the quality of education I am looking for.
I am ambitious and hope to achieve great accomplishments in the university. As many would try to crush my big dreams, I would remind myself of the quote I picked up from chief executive officers of two reputable Asian companies on CNBC's "The Leaders": "Start young, think big, and stick to it. You need to believe in yourself, if you want others to believe in you." I hope to achieve a superior level of education to perfect my business savvy. I believe that I have the potential to become a successful private investor. A couple of years of experience from a renowned university in the United States would give me some professional expertise.
i made some changes myself,
"Thus, I plan to continue my college years in the United States, where I truly feel that the universities are be able to offer the quality of education I am looking for.
and at the end i added a little bit. "A couple of years of experience from a renowned university in the United States would give me some professional expertise that would help me in my future career."
i still have some troubles making the connection between paragraph 1 and 2 smoother.
well I am a transfer too. one advice is to not be positive with your current school. AOS dont like that. It's like your are escaping from your school to them.
Good luck
"Having witnessed the riots break out in Jakarta and several other cities such as Medan, Bandung and Aceh in 1997, I moved to Singapore with the realization of how an economic recession due to the financial collapse of the Thai Baht after obtaining a burden of foreign debt that made the country effectively bankrupt, could have heavily impacted another country like Indonesia or South Korea." Turn this into two or three smaller sentences.
I guess if this is meant to go to several different universities, then you are going to have to be fairly vague and general. That's unfortunate, as it would really be better if you could craft a specific essay for each university you are applying to.
yes, i was told that i was to be vague and less specific on the transfer essay because of the number of colleges i'm applying to and i shouldn't have it differently. The supplement yes, but not the application. is this true?
I don't see how you could do it differently with the common app.
The changes you made are good. I don't think you need help with the transition, it seems to become more personal there, which helps it to be less vague. It sure would help if you could just slip the name of each university into each essay so it won't seem like you really don't care which one you attend.
:)
