It started with an asthma attack. Personal statement for medicine course.

Please give me some advice on areas of improvement. THANKS IN ADVANCE <3

vulnerable human body

It was about 12AM midnight when I was lying on the bed gasping for air, feeling exhausted, helpless and fearful.
I had an asthma attack. A doctor and nurses came rushing towards my bed and in an instant, I was given 10 puffs from an inhaler to help me breathe more easily. Until now, I still deeply appreciate and respect those who had cared for me during my hospitalisation 13 years ago. Due to my health condition, the number of healthcare workers who have rendered help to me is innumerable. Hence, I'm inspired to pass on their kindness by serving as part of the healthcare team. Furthermore, understanding at first-hand about how one cannot really do much with an unhealthy body has driven me to pursue medicine.

My interest in science started in secondary school and I was particularly intrigued by the workings of human body systems. A trip to the National Kidney Foundation centre gave me the opportunity to witness the hardships of kidney patients as they need to depend their lives on dialysis. That is when the importance of each and every organ to human health has struck me and improving human health became a goal of mine.

Being curious in the function of various first aid equipment, I was prompted to join Red Cross Humanitarian Network (RCHN) as a CCA in junior college. Joining RCHN has not only allowed me to acquire basic first aid skills, but also given me huge gratification from treating casualties. To enhance my first aid skills, I participated in the national First Aid Championships 2016 with my CCA teammates. This competition has provided me with valuable insights into the value of teamwork, resource allocation and quick decision-making in any emergencies.

My most heart-warming volunteering experience is during the First Aider on Wheels sessions at East Coast Park. There, I was able to work with other compassionate volunteers and I personally felt the joy of giving when casualties expressed gratitude for my help. Gradually, I have developed a strong desire to help those in need. This desire, coupled with my enthusiasm in better understanding the mechanism of human body systems, have shaped my aspiration of becoming a doctor, in order to do more than just basic first aid for people. As a RCHN member, I was able to develop my communication and cooperative skills, which I believe are the elements that make a good doctor.

Having a taste of how fulfilling it is feeling appreciated by others, I'm motivated to gain further knowledge about the human body and apply it to serve humanity. I also believe that I can persevere in the arduous journey of becoming a doctor using people's gratitude as my source of motivation and satisfaction. I hope that by studying medicine in ___, I can realise my dream of having a fulfilling career and contributing towards better human health as a doctor. I'm prepared to shoulder the responsibility as I gain the power to heal.

Hello Jasmin I think the two starting paragraphs are confusing it is unclear as to which between the two events gave you the inspiration to pursue a career in Medicen/human health.

I think you should rewrite and clarify which motivated you, is it your medical emergencey 13 years ago or is it your experience with Kidney patients?

Min, the anecdote that you are sharing in the beginning requires more focus. While your asthma attack is notable, it is not the kind of life altering medical situation that could cause you to decide on a medical career. What happened to you 13 years ago? Was it something more serious that you can use to take the place of the weak anecdote? If the two are actually connected, then you need to come up with a better reason for desiring a career in medicine. An Asthma attack just isn't as impressive as say, recovering from an injury or overcoming a serious illness with the help of the medical practitioners. Remember, the opening statement is the underlying foundation of the personal statement. The image or motivation for your studies must be presented in a clear and convincing manner in that paragraph. Failure to do so will be hard to recover from in the succeeding essays. The rest of the background information definitely shows the progression of your interest in relation to your personal desire to become a physician. I was just expecting to read something about the kind of physician that you hope to become in the future. After all, you are talking about becoming a doctor. So you must have a medical field in mind to specialize in. Try to include something about that in the personal statement.

@ JoyK

I find it difficult choosing which specific experience made me to want to become a doctor as it's a combination of all these encounters throughout my life that slowly built my interest. Is there any other way?

@Jasmine855

If you want to include both ideas, I think you could start with the first one as an experience that triggered the inspiration to pursue a medical career and that the second experience reaffirmed your interest in the field. try putting it in one paragraph.

@Holt
Thanks for your feedback. But the asthma attack is the most serious condition i've ever had as it could have taken my life, and I have no choice that it doesn't seem impressive... I have made some changes to include a part on how i've overcome the illness, would that be fine?

Regarding medical specialty,I think it's too early to choose now as I have limited knowledge about each specialty, compared to the doctor who might be reading my statement...Please take a look at my improvised version, thanks a lot~

It was about 12AM midnight when I was lying on the bed gasping for air, feeling exhausted, helpless and fearful.
A doctor and nurses came rushing towards my bed and in an instant, I was given 10 puffs from an inhaler to help me breathe. That was my second severe asthma attack as a child. Since then, my doctor conscientiously devised an action plan for me to prevent reoccurrence of such attacks and ensured I stick to it during every check-up. Thanks to him, my condition is now under control without the use of long-term medications. Many other healthcare workers have also assisted me on this long journey to full recovery. Hoping to make a positive impact on people's life like them, I was inspired to become a part of the healthcare team when I grow up.

In secondary school, I started taking a deep interest in science and was particularly intrigued by the workings of human body systems. A trip to the National Kidney Foundation centre had exposed me to the hardships of kidney patients who depend their lives on dialysis. Then, the importance of each and every organ to human health struck me and my interest in pursuing healthcare was reaffirmed. Particularly, I wanted to pursue medicine as a calling because through my own experience, I understood at first-hand that one cannot really do much without a healthy body.

Being curious in the function of various first aid equipment, I was prompted to join Red-Cross Humanitarian-Network (RCHN) as a CCA in junior college. Joining RCHN has not only allowed me to acquire basic first aid skills, but also given me huge gratification from treating casualties. To enhance my first aid skills, I participated in the national First-Aid-Championships-2016 with my teammates. This competition has given me insights into the value of teamwork, resource allocation and quick decision-making during emergencies. My most heart-warming volunteering experience is during the First-Aider-on-Wheels sessions at East-Coast-Park. There, I was able to work with other compassionate volunteers and I personally felt the joy of giving when casualties expressed gratitude for my help. Gradually, I have developed a strong desire to help those in need. This desire, coupled with my enthusiasm in better understanding the mechanism of human body systems, have shaped my aspiration of becoming a doctor, who can do more than just basic first aid for people. As a RCHN member, I was able to develop my communication and cooperative skills, which I believe are the elements that make a good doctor.

Having a taste of how fulfilling it is feeling appreciated by others, I'm motivated to gain further knowledge about the human body and apply it to serve humanity. I believe that I can persevere in the arduous journey of becoming a doctor by using people's gratitude as my source of motivation. I hope that by studying medicine in NUS, I can look forward to a career that fulfils my goal of life-long learning and contributing towards better human health.

It would be better if you can truly develop your opening anecdote to be less confusing and more impressive. Let's see, how else can this be approached? The attack started at midnight you say? Clarify if it happened at home and you were rushed to the ER or if you were already having a mild attack and taken to the ER where the massive attack that threatened your life happened. Think Grey's Anatomy on paper. We need that story to pop somehow to create a gripping moment that will keep the reviewer interested in reading your personal statement to the very end. At the moment, the anecdote is the most underutilized part of your personal statement. If you can just get that story to work to your benefit by making it more interesting, the rest of the essay will benefit from it.

@Holt Thanks for your suggestion. I tried to edit my anecdote, is it okay? >< I am not really good and dramatic description/flower language

It was about 12AM at home when my mum noticed my breathlessness and she sent me to the hospital immediately. Lying on bed gasping for air, feeling exhausted and fearful, a doctor and nurses dashed towards me and instantly, I was given 10 puffs from an inhaler to help me breathe. That was my second severe asthma attack as a child. Since then, my doctor conscientiously devised an action plan for me to prevent reoccurrence of such attacks and ensured I stick to it every check-up. Thanks to him, my condition is now under control without using long-term medications. Many other healthcare workers have also assisted me on this long journey to full recovery. Hoping to make a positive impact on people's life like them, I was inspired to become a part of the healthcare team when I grow up.